Body Issues

Hi loves!
::Disclaimer:: ( oh my favorite!!)
This is another honest post. I probably deserve to get yelled at, but PLEASE, read through the whole thing. I just felt like I had to get this out, and maybe start some dialogue!

Okay!

Let's begin....
 Prior to pregnancy, I was not a vision of healthy weight (according to doctors, etc). I could stand to lose a very good amount of weight. I had tried really hard this summer, and was kinda sorta successful. Still, not enough to be considered at good weight according to the docs.

When I found out I was pregs, let's be honest, I was horrified to think the weight I would gain and how huge I would look.   However, it turned out not to totally be the case. So far, I have gained 11 pounds in my 7 months of pregnancy. I am sort of like a freak of nature at my doctor's office, because they are shocked. I have been told by tons of people that I am "all belly".  I feel my face, arms and legs look somewhat the same. Today one lady at work stopped me completely and complimented how good I look for being pregnant, and she asked if I have even gained weight.  The only thing I have noticed is that my hips are expanding, which I have been told is normal to make room for baby.

Throughout my pregnancy, I felt wonderful and pretty. Though there was no illusions I was this tiny, size 0 thing, I just felt so happy and confident in my looks. However, something changed. 

On Sunday, we took maternity pictures with PR Moments photography, who seriously, freaking rock. I recommend them till the cows come home. The deserve their own blog post, that's how much I love them. Anyway, we did a super cute, rustic, modern chic meets country shoot  at Jessie's Grove winery. I had 2 gorgeous dresses with accessories and we were ready to go. The shoot went fantastic, and we LOVED working with Priscilla. We left feeling super excited and happy.

Yesterday, she posted some "sneak peeks" on facebook. The first one was of hubs and I sitting down. That's when it came crashing down for me. The picture itself is stunning. Priscilla's talent is so apparent!! The color, clarity, EVERYTHING was just lovely. Hubs looks amazing. My hair and make up looks great. However, I couldn't help but notice how PAINFULLY WIDE I looked. It upset me so much I started to  cry.  In my mind, I looked fat fat fat X100. I don't feel that way when I look in the mirror. People have even said I don't look big AT ALL except my belly is huge. However, looking at the picture, I looked bigger and wider than the state of Texas. I was consumed at the thought of people seeing it on facebook and thinking, "wow, she's gotten so heavy" or "wow, she's gained so much weight!", when really I haven't. Yes, I was really concerned about what people thought! SMH.  Hubs came over, hugged me, kissed my forehead and wiped my tears.

He said what he "saw" was a beautiful picture of himself and his wife in a sweet tender moment. He thought I was RIDICULOUS for feeling this way, because he thought I looked beautiful. Gah, I love that man. Priscilla, within minutes, posted 2 more pictures. I absolutely loved them, again, not only because the pics were beautiful, but also because I thought I looked more "normal", and more like myself. 

This morning, I had some time to think about my reaction. As I felt my daughter kick, it reminded me that I never, ever want my beautiful girl to feel the way her mommy felt about herself the night before. I want her to always know that she is beautiful, inside and out, and to never feel she is anything less. I felt angry with myself, because gosh dangit, I am growing a human! The way I felt was just unacceptable. First, I shouldn't care what people think. That one is so hard for me, but it is so true! Second, my body is taking part of a miracle, and as long as I am taking care of my body and baby, I shouldn't think so poorly about myself.

I think us women are so hard on ourselves and with our weight and looks. I truly felt terrible that I reacted so badly. I also felt bad, because I didn't want my photographer ever to think I was necessarily unhappy with the pictures, which is furthest from the case. I think she was flippin' amazing! I think as women, especially in pregnancy, need to accept and embrace what our bodies are doing. This is what I have been repeating to myself all day and will continue to remind myself daily. Pregnancy is truly a beautiful thing, and by me feeling ashamed of how I look is truly a disgrace to the miracle that is going on within my body.

One thing that has been so important (as I mentioned earlier) is for my daughter to not feel this way. I want her to be confident and love the body God has given her. I am learning that in order for her to feel this way, I need to set the example and love the body God has given me.

Here's to me not freaking out so much and loving myself for who I am!