My heart has been heavy with our world. I look at Rowan, and I worry for her future. In my personal life, there are loved ones around me battling cancer (not immediate family) that has broken my heart completely.
I remember hearing of the Paris attacks. I thought it was a joke. I felt a lot of the emotions towards Paris that I felt about 9/11. Like everyone else, my heart was heavy, almost like a weight that I couldn't remove. I felt anger towards those responsible. That anger turned into insane fear of the unknown, and I thought some thoughts towards certain issues that are embarrassing to admit. However, the fear I felt in my heart was plaguing me, almost paralyzing me.
With that being said, I'm about to admit some stuff about me that's embarrassing, so here we go. It will make sense in a minute, as it will explain why I was so scared. I deal with myriad of different issues that cropped up when my father passed 10 years ago.. First of all, I am a germaphobe, so badly that when someone shakes my hand, I am literally sprinting to go wash my hands. Currently my hands are completely raw because I wash them so much. I make everyone who steps in my house remove their shoes, etc. I could go on and on. Basically, I am germaphobe to fullest extent. I have OCD about locking doors and turning off things. I have had to work so hard on this, but there was points in my life where it would take me an extra half an hour to leave because I kept checking things around the house. Hubby has made improvements in our home that I have improved ten fold, but it can be a struggle at times. Another thing is that I also deal with some anxiety and have a TON of irrational fears. I feel super embarrassed to admit this. Being a mom has forced me to deal with these issues head on and force myself to be better, as well as praying for healing. I am doing better, but this is still a work in progress.Why I shared this raw part of myself is because all of these things I deal with have been heightened times 1,000 thanks to these attacks.
Going back to the attacks, we have seen the terrorists make threat after threat, going after more European and countries and us. Disgusting threats and how they will come after us with no mercy. As we have been seeing in the news, we have dealt with school shootings, movie theater shootings, etc. I was listening to CNN everyday in the car, getting more and more terrified and scared. A few days ago, I came home and told hubby we need to cancel all of our vacations. We have about 5 trips planned between now and March, and I was terrified to go to any of them. All of the news and threats were causing so much anxiety to the point I felt like I couldn't move. Hubby sat me down and said by letting these fears run my life I was letting the terrorists win , which is what they want. He continued that we had to keep living, and not live in fear.
It wasn't till this weekend, that I fully understood we can't live in fear. I attended the Women of Faith conference with family and friends. We sang Chris Tomlin's fabulous song "Our God is Greater" which is song I have sang a billion times. However, the lyric "And if our God is with us, what can stand against" popped in mind, and spoke to my heart. I bawled my way through the rest of the song, because it felt like at that moment, God spoke to my heart. That he is here, he loves us, and will protect us. The thing that makes us unstoppable is knowing we have Jesus on our side. He will be our protector and our mighty hand. Realizing all that was being exposed to me lifted this weight that was suffocating me. By giving into the fear, I wasn't letting God be the Lord of my life. While I don't understand at all why this is happening, I know that God will never leave us, nor forsake us.
I encourage you to read Romans 8 and bind it to your heart. Pray for our nation, pray for our world.
