40 weeks

Dislcaimer: So forgive  me as I am HUGELY trying to catch up on this blog. I forgot to publish this! SHEESH! Anyway, keep that in mind as this was obviously written in the past, lol!


So today is my actual due date. Not sure how to feel! I was told in our preemie class to feel sad on your due date. For some reason, your body somehow "knows" it was supposed to give birth. Weird and sad. Earlier, I posted a picture on facebook with my traditional chalkboard. This time, I was holding my beautiful prize, my Rowan.


Honestly, I am sad I didn't carry to term. I am sorry if I sound whiny. I just felt the wind was knocked out of me with this whole situation. I enjoyed my pregnancy so much and when it happened, well, it felt like a slap in the face. I miss being pregnant! I have been told I am crazy! I just truly had what I felt was the most beautiful experience of my life. Being pregnant was the most incredible, beautiful journey and I truly felt like a super human. So as you can imagine, this whole end experience was insanely hard for me. I honestly wonder if I even want to have more kids, as I am afraid for another experience like this. However,  I am BEYOND thankful for my gorgeous, healthy daughter. So many things could have gone wrong and they didn't. I am so thankful for that.




Now, some of you may be wondering what caused this early birth. Well, when she was born, the cord wasn't wrapped around her at all! It was exactly where it should have been! There had been a wondering if my placenta calcified but we got the pathology report back and NOTHING was out of the ordinary. SO WEIRD! So, who knows what really happened.




One thing I can walk away from was that Rowan truly has an incredible, dramatic, and crazy birth story. I hate to admit but I have been called a drama queen a time or two (LOL) and her entry to the world was just that, dramatic! I will have quite the story to tell her when she is older.




I have learned so many lessons, but one is FLEXIBILITY. If I can tell any preggo, just try to be flexible. I had so many ideas of how I thought it would all go down and boy, it was sure different. I remember having pins on pinterest about the perfect hospital bag, etc. Ha, I had nothing going into the hospital! I learned to lean on God more than I ever have in my entire life. There were times Rowan was in danger, and I truly was afraid she was going to die in utero. I remember times of sheer agony and tears as I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I remember giving everything to God what felt like every minute. God truly has a remarkable plan for my little girl.




So as I sit here on my due date, I am thankful to God for my beautiful child. She is truly a miracle. It may haven't gone how I had hoped, but God obviously had something bigger for her.



A walk down memory lane! I am missing about 6 weeks after she was born, but bear in mind I didn't feel up to taking pictures, now I regret it though! I could have done something cute with Rowan, but oh well.  I love seeing the progression!

My crazy journey to Rowan: The hospital stay

So the next few posts will be me trying to make sense of the last month and a half. My "due date is tomorrow, and I'm kinda having a hard time. I was told in the preemie class that is common to feel this way when your due date comes. I'm partly doing these posts so I can remember what we went through, even though I would like to forget a lot of it. Rowan's entry to the world wasn't boring, that's for sure.

I'm also doing this because in talking to other preemie moms, we have to grieve certain parts of our pregnancy and the birth experience that didn't go to plan. This may be long, but this our journey. Thanks in advance if you are reading this!






It all starts with the hospital.






 On April 4th, at 1:15 I am heading out to my regular baby appointment. I always enjoyed these appointments. At this point, the pregnancy was going well. Despite my Braxton hicks that sent me to L&D the week before, everything was fine. I will say that day I felt insanely exhausted. I felt so worn out. In my original plan I wanted to work up until May 9th, and I was worried that I would be too worn out to make it till then. It was on my list of things to discuss. My friend Jill took the last half an hour of my class. I cheerfully say "Bye, see you on Monday" to my students, my other babies. Little did I know I wouldn't be seeing them. To this day I am racked with guilt I wasn't able to have a proper goodbye.






At my doctor's appointment, my doctor and I did all the routine things. Rowan's heart sounded great, and I was still measuring big. We discussed last week's L&D craziness. Very nonchalantly, she asked if she could check my cervix, for kicks and giggles. We assumed all would be normal. Her face said it all. She quietly told me I was 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced. I would need to go to L&D immediately. I was stunned and shocked. WHAT THE HELL. Mind you, I am only 32 weeks and 2 days pregnant. To be considered "full term" in the earliest sense, I still had 5 weeks. I change back into my clothes, and slowly wipe the tears that are streaming down my face. I call Shannon and he cancels practice to come to me. I also call my sister and my mom.






Upon checking in, and doing another exam, I was actually at 2 cm dilated. It is a huge concern, I am officially in preterm labor. I get hooked up, IV goes in  (OUCH) and I begin my steroid shot to help with Rowan's lungs. I am terrified, sad and disappointed. This is not how this was supposed to go. I could feel my sweet Rowan, moving around. I told her quite sternly she was not allowed to vacate the premises. I feel comfort as I hear Rowan' s sweet heart swish. As the night progresses, her heart sound slows. I slowly turn and her heart rate has dropped severely. The nurse in there looks up. The next part is like a scene from the show ER. She hits a code red button, nurses and doctors swarm in dramatically, talking in loud voices, taking out equipment. I am immediately flipped to my side faster than I can blink. Oxygen is shoved in my face and I am ordered to breathe. I start sobbing, because I am terrified and have no idea what to even think. I am terrified. Everyone seems to be waiting with bated breath. The heart swish gets louder, and I literally hear sighs of relief. The doctor comes over, rubs my back and asks if I am okay. I'm in hysterics. I am told she went down to 60 beats. Had she gone just one minute longer, I would have been wheeled out for an emergency C-section. I am so thankful she pulled through.






The next day was awful. I officially moved from pre term labor to now watching to see if Ro's heart would drop. I had a serious talk with the doctor that her being born early could be possible if this keeps happening. Since  she would be preterm, this Kaiser didn't have enough to care for my peach, so she would have to be transferred to Roseville. I was told that more than likely, I would have to have an emergency C-section. They broke it all down for me, and I was terrified. What they wanted to do was to transfer me to Roseville, since they had a NICU. Problem with that is Roseville is 40 minutes away on a good day. There would be no heart monitors or anything to check her. If she decels and it goes low, nothing could be done. When they left, I felt broken and devastated. I cried and cried. I was afraid and beyond angry this was happening to me. The anger was so strong it even scared me. I screamed and yelled about how unfair this was. Basically I threw a fit. I took the best care of myself, did everything right, and always had a heart of gratitude. There were other moms that could care less about their pregnancies, do drugs/drink while pregnant, and went on to have healthy deliveries and babies. It just didn't seem right.






The next 2 days were rough, just being on guard on watching the girl. I could hardly get up to pee, they were so worried it would send Rowan over the edge. We made the decision to get transferred, despite the monitoring risk. My heart was heavy and I was scared, but I knew it had be done. That Monday, at 6 am, I am transferred. Shannon can't ride with me, so he follows us. As I am being wheeled out, sans monitor, we are stopped a few times for paperwork and questions. I wanted to scream! Finally, we are in the ambulance. I ask for oxygen and the whole time, I am reciting verses and praying. The EMT even held my hand and chatted my ear off to pass the time. It ended up taking 35 minutes, but it was the longest 35 of my life. I am wheeled in, use the potty, and I hooked up. Rowan's beautiful heart was immediately heard. I let out a huge sigh of relief and thank the Lord for this big victory.




I have to give Roseville labor and delivery the biggest shout out. They were fan freaking tastic! Anyone who has a baby there, please know you are in the best hands, and the nurses are wonderful. That being said, I was in Roseville L&D for 2 weeks. It was very, very hard emotionally. We basically were on 24 hour Rowan heart watch. The danger was still very much there. I was told if she had a "clean 24 hours" we could go home. This sounds psycho, but I was hoping we wouldn't. The reason being, how would I know if Rowan was okay at home?  What if she deceled and I didn't know? Now that she is here, I can say it, but I was terrified of having a still born baby. That was my fear and it could have happened. The thing that kept me sane besides God and my family/friends were the nurses. They were so kind and loving. They treated me like a queen and at times, I felt like I was at hotel rather than a hospital. I was super duper well fed, and they brought me lots of snacks and treats. I gained one pound being there, which was shocking lol! They sat with me, held my hand, listened to me if I cried. I don't think I could thank those beautiful girls enough. I have always loved nurses, but honestly, they are saints.






Despite my amazing nurses, the stay was rough and isolating at times. I could get up to pee but that's it. Every morning, I would cry and cry. This truly wasn't how I envisioned any aspect of my pregnancy. I felt so empty and sad that this was happening. I was going to end my pregnancy like this. I truly wished that I could just go back to being normal. I felt like I couldn't even enjoy my pregnancy anymore. When I would look at my bump, it was covered in itchy goo, straps and monitors, and it broke my heart. I was so on edge each time her heart would dip and I was constantly afraid. I remember when I finally went outside for the first time in 12 days, I cried. I took for granted just being able to be outside. Honestly, I had never felt so broken in my whole life. I realized I had to lean on Christ to get me through this. It was too much to bear on my own.






Finally, on Friday morning, April 18th, I get the news I would be delivering the girl. She had dipped horrendously a few times the day before, and it wasn't safe. At this point, I was only 34 weeks pregnant. I had peace with this decision, oddly enough. I didn't realize what would be coming, but I just knew it was time. Rachel, my favorite nurse in the world, sat with me, and got me ready. She even took my last and final bump picture:

I went into labor and it was beautiful. The only thing so far that went amazingly well. For more on her birth story, click here.


My hospital stay was only the beginning of this insane and crazy journey. Here are pics documenting this journey:



This set is from my stay at South Sac...

                      This is my stay at Roseville. I definitely got attached to my room, lol!

             This set is more from Roseville! Did my bump shots here. Hubby was such a peach rubbing my feet!

             Ahhh my beautiful bump. How I miss it! This was my bump in the last 2 days of my pregnancy.

       

            I was in labor here. Yes, I realize I look bigger than 10 football fields, LOL! Oh dear...

Stay tuned for more about our journey!

Favorite Fridays: Julep Maven nails

Hi friends,

 are you shocked I am actually doing a favorite Fridays post?!?!?!? I know! Its only been like what, 4 months?!?!


Well, I am here to rave about my favorite latest obsession, Julep maven nails . It is a mail-a-box to you system. I know what you thinking. I thought the same thing. I have tried make up boxes and honestly, I am not impressed. Too overpriced and the products are LAME. I had heard about  Julep through a fellow blogger, and what sold me was that she said the nail polish lasted for days! She is also a very busy mommy of 2, so I believed her! This is the real deal. Julep is definitely high end and definitely not crappy products. I have received two boxes already and it feels like Christmas!


I joined Julep while on hospital bed rest. A bit impulsive, but hey, this mama deserved it! You pay $20 a month, BUT you get 2 FULL size nail polishes, plus a full size product that can range from some sort of lotion or nail maintenance product. If you are still not convinced, bear in mind just one of these full size nail polishes costs you $14 at Sephora. Or the price of $20, you get two plus another full size product. Sounds fabulous to me!


I will sadly admit, as of late, painting my nails is no longer a priority. When I am not suctioning spit ups, rocking a crying babe and/or my Ro is sleeping, I am usually trying to sleep or clean. However, when daddy gets home, I try to polish up my neglected nails.


So far, I have built up a small collection.  Currently, this is what I have stockpiled, and I love it! The colors are fun, dry quickly and this is my favorite, it comes off EASILY. I usually fight in taking off my nail polish, especially glitter. However, I swear, this practically comes off with one swipe. I am more sold than ever!  

'


Right now, these are my current nails

Can't wait to paint these pretty little nails!

If you join, you won't be disappointed!

Happy 1 month Rowan!

Hello friends!

Wow, my blog sure has taken a back seat now, lol! This post was meant to go up yesterday, lol!

Happy one month to my beautiful Rowan!

What the heck, a month already!?!? I felt like I was pregnant with her like a minute ago. Our journey leading up to her birth has been crazy, and I would like to forget most of April, it was that crazy and traumatic. However, the most beautiful day that I would re-live again and again was the day of her birth, 4/19/14.

From the minute she was born, a whole 6 weeks early, she has proved to be stronger than most babies and had a fiery nature that impressed everyone that met her. It was rough seeing my beauty in NICU. I have said this many times, but I don't wish NICU on my worst enemy. When we were finally able to bring her home at 36 weeks and 2 days, we had no idea the road ahead of us. It has been a interesting journey, and life is completely changed.

To be honest, I have had a rough time, just dealing with my emotions and the fact we can't just take Rowan out (thanks to her fragile immune system) or have a lot of people over has made things very isolating at times. Also, hubby had to go back to work, so at times, especially when I was sleep deprived, made things tough. Her spitting up through her nose issues have been scary. Now, I realize spitting up doesn't seem that bad, but it will pour from her nose, sometimes shoot out of her nose. She has been thoroughly examined and what it boils down to is that it is just reflux. It is way more common than people think. Her stomach sphincter is immature, and in time, she will outgrow it. While I am getting used to it, Rowan has a tendency to make zero noise when it happens. I partly think its because the poor girl doesn't want to swallow it.

Nevertheless, it is very scary to see your baby struggle and flail silently in her own vomit. We simply suction her out, but honestly, it has made this mama cry more than once. Especially when she finally does cry, it just rips my heart out.

Despite all that, it has been a joy being this girl's mother. She is so freaking cute, sassy and quite the character. Here are some fun facts about my Rowan, "in her words":

My name is : Rowan Decaris Potter

My age is: 1 month, technically 38 weeks and 4 days old adjusted (if I was still in mommy's tummy)

I can: lift my neck and legs up! I love to lift my neck when I am laying on my parents and it kinda freaks them out because I move so fast. I am just trying to be strong!

I love to: EAT! Even though I spit up, I love to eat eat eat! I eat between 3-4 ounces of milk every 3 hours.

My weight: Mommy weighed me naked, which made me mad. However, the scale said I weighed over 8 pounds! My parents are happy! We will go to the doctor though to get a for sure weight.

Chub?: Yes, I am getting quite chubby! My mommy and daddy are LOVING it! They say I have lots of rolls in my arms and thighs. Also mommy says she loves my delicious cheeks.

Sleeping at night?: NOPE! I don't cry all night, but I love to grunt, squeal, squawk, and even do squealy cries that keep my parents up. I don't do it all the time, but I think they get scared that something is wrong. Nope, I am just that chatty. I have a lot to say!

I don't like: sleeping at night,  being burped (it makes me angry!) and spitting up! Ooh I HATE spitting up! It makes me cry and cry.

My personality: Well, apparently I am a firecracker and drama queen. People say I have my mama's personality.

I look like: people think I look like daddy. I especially got the "Potter cheeks". I have been told I have mommy's hair, fingers and eyelashes.

Some of our favorite Rowan pictures (sorry the pictures are all over the place!):

To the girl that made me a mother....

Rowan Decaris,

Oh my little love. It's 5:21 am and here we are, hanging out. It's officially Mother's Day. In my original set of plans, I was supposed to be 37 weeks pregnant, heavily pregnant with you. Instead, you being the firecracker you are, had other plans. Here you are, and I'm sitting here, watching you sleep:

I watch you sleep everyday and honestly I'm always overcome with emotions. I'm in tears watching you sleep as we speak. While my plan for you had a rocky start, you have inspired me in so many ways. You have taught me to grow up quickly, and I never knew how strong I could be, but I also never knew how much my heart could break. I have felt so broken these last few weeks, but seeing your fiery nature gives me the strength I need. You have made me a mother, and for that, I thank you my sweet girl. You are truly my hero. The minute I was pregnant with you, I had a feeling you would be a force to be reckoned with. You have proven you are a fighter in so many ways than one. You have had to deal with little health setbacks, but yet you handle it better than I can. You are sassy, stubborn, beautiful and you have such a strong nature which is so apparent in your mere 3 weeks of life. You bring your father and I (among so many people) so much joy. You are loved by so many it overwhelms me. Did you know you were prayed for so intensely by so many people? So many family and friends have been rooting for you since day 1. For that, we will always be grateful and thankful for the amazing people in our lives. Rowan Decaris, you have truly stolen my heart. You amaze and scare me all that the same time. I look forward to starting a beautiful new chapter in my life that has been made so complete because of you. Thank you for making me a mother. I love you.

Love you my sweet petunia,

Mommy

Rowan's birth story

Hello friends! 

Well it's officially day 2 since we have been home! Baby is currently sleeping so I figured it is about freaking time I catch up on this blog.

This truly has been the most insane last few weeks of my life. Nothing went according to plan (haha) and my faith and endurance was tested beyond belief. I don't  think I have ever cried as much in my life as I have these last few weeks. To be honest, the only thing that has somewhat been great was my labor.


Yep I'm serious. 

My labor was pretty freaking awesome and I was glad, because I kinda sorta felt like I deserved it after all I went through, lol! I made it a point throughout the labor process to write notes in my phone so I wouldn't forget.

Friday, April 18th:

 8:45 am

The day before, Rowan had horrible decels, 3 to be exact. My anxiety was through the roof. Everyday I was told by the docs we would wait another 24 hours and see what will happen. I was already pissed at the thought they were going to come in and say this. Two doctors came in this time and explained because of yesterday's events, it was no longer safe for baby to stay in. I would be induced immediately. Pitocin would start at 10 am. I was warned my labor could take up to 3 days. Gulp. They really wanted me to try a vaginal delivery rather than c-section. They also warned me that more than likely, the minute she was born, she would have to whisked away to NICU. That broke my heart, as this isn't how I thought labor would be. However, whatever would keep my daughter safe I was willing to do. After everything,  I was shocked out of my skull. Sheer joy, panic, fear and elation set in. I immediately call Shannon and my family. 

9-3 pm- my pitocin was held back due to other emergency c-sections. Rachel, my favorite nurse, takes one last belly pic. I shower, and do my make up.  I take a few moments with my beautiful bump to say "goodbye". My family brings a togo's sandwich and I chow down! I try to eat throughout the day. Once the epidural was in, I wouldn't be able to eat.

3:45 pitocin is started. I'm dilated at a 2. I was told pain is progress as it shows labor is progressing. They put a balloon catheter in my cervix to open it up. Was told it could take hours for my body to accept it. My body was done with it after an hour. I was dilated at a 3. Guess my body was ready! 

3:45 pm to Saturday, April 19th at 1 am

Pitocin is increased every few hours. We eat, laugh, try to stay relaxed. We watched The Hangover. I feel NOTHING. For real. No pain and I was actually getting mad, since "pain is progress". The nurses and my doctor are shocked. At 12:30 am I was at 4 cm. Dr. Lo said she would break my water between 2:30-3 am. I was told I better get my epidural if I wanted it before she did this. 

2:30 am- still feel nothing, except very slight back cramps. Andy the anestiologist comes in. We chat, sign a form and he preps me. I'm terrified I will move as he is putting it in. He administers it and we are good. However, it doesn't kick in right away and I am freaking out. I get cleaned down there for prep of breaking my water and it hurt! The nurse looks concerned and turns me to my side. At this point I'm officially 5 cm dilated. 

3:00 am

My epi kicks in and it feels fan-freaking-tastic. I love it! Honestly, I don't get why women get all pissy and self righteous about epidurals. I love it and I think I am going to dedicate a post about it, LOL!!!!! Dr. Lo then comes in  breaks my water. It was the loudest splash sound and it was so weird! Things progress fast as I jump from a 5 to 8 within the hour. No joke. I sleep peacefully till about 6 am.

6 am

Dilated to a 9, and feeling fantastic! Our families are called. 6:45 I'm now dilated to a 10 and it's time to push. My mom and sister arrive and give hugs and kisses before going to the waiting room. Dr. Lo comes in. Emily my sweet and kind nurse explains how I should push, like I'm pooping lol! I am getting excited and terrified at the same time. Shannon is right by my side, and he is so excited.

6:50-7:22

I start to push! Holy crap it's so exhausting! I'm being encouraged that I am doing it right. Still don't feel jack. I start to feel so worn out and I sympathize how women push for hours, it's hard! The put a mirror so I could see my progress. I could now see Rowan's head! I give one final and hard push. The doctor yelled "slow down!" Lol but I couldn't help it! Rowan is out! This moment was the most surreal, most beautiful moment.

7:22

I watch them pull out the beautiful, amazing little girl that I baked from scratch. She lets out the most beautiful cry and  I immediately start hysterically wailing. I kept saying "I love you, you are beautiful, hi baby". I'm crying so hard.  I look at hubs who is crying as he is taking pictures.  Instead of rushing her to the NICU crib that was in the room, they placed her on my belly. I was forever thankful for that moment. I didn't think I would even get a moment with her. I feel so grateful for that. I reach to touch her sweet, warm body and I can't handle it. I couldn't believe that I just birthed this gorgeous human.

7:35
I am being sewn up (yes, my worst nightmare, I tore! I think its because I pushed too fast) and Rowan is being tended to by the NICU team and daddy. Everything is going great! She is cleaned up, weighed, measured, and didn't require oxygen, but they put it on her anyway. My baby is 5 pounds, 2 oz, which is great for 34 weeks! She is 18 1/4 inches long.  


7:40

Again, grateful to the team because they brought her over to me. I was able to take a quick picture, give her some kisses and she is taken away, with daddy following. I honestly thought I would fall apart but because I was so excited, I couldn't feel sad. My mom and sister come in to congratulate me. I eat but I can barely eat because I am running on sheer adrenaline.

8:45

I am able to go and visit the girl. Honestly it was hard to see her in the crib. She lets out the saddest cry (nothing was wrong) and the hormones kick in. I start hysterically crying, lol!

Then, as the story goes, we spend an emotional 2 weeks in NICU with lots of ups and downs. Our experience is another post in itself.  

I am so thankful for my labor. It was beautiful and a truly wonderful experience. I am so thankful Rowan did so well. I remember in the good ol' days before this all happened, I was so petrified about labor. However, it was the most incredible thing I have ever endured and I felt so proud of myself as a woman that I did this amazing thing. For my current first timers, I hope you can be encouraged! My labor was great!

Here are some pics documenting our journey:

1. Enjoying lunch!//2. dialated to a 5 and in no pain! 3. trying to stay hydrated 4. not sure what was going on, but clearly feeling fine if I'm giving a thumbs  up, LOL!!!!

1. our chalkboard! I love the team I worked with// 2. Dilated to a 10! Amazed at how well it's all going!// 3. baby us born! AHHHH!!!!! I am just beside myself! 4. Looking at the precious human that I just birthed.

 

1.Daddy cutting the umbilical cord// 2-3. Rowan is getting cleaned up.//4. Getting weighed!

1. Holding hands with her father. Ah, I just can't //2. Forever grateful for the moments I get with her before NICU//3. My sweet, chubby girl! For being a preemie, she is a great size!// 4. Our first family picture! Not how I envisioned it would be, but at the end of the day, my girl was safe and that's all that mattered!