Ooh girl, I am opening up the biggest, fattest can of worms!!! I am sure I am going to get oodles heat and hate mail. Oh well. I do feel this is necessary, because to me, this topic is sad. Thanks to the encouragement of my mommy friends Michelle (who is a fab momma of 6 gorgeous babies) and one of my dearest (also an amazing and incredible mommy) friend Chrissie, I am just going to go for it! they both agreed that this something that should be talked about.
Bear in mind, my thoughts are everywhere. As I am writing this, the clock is showing almost midnight. My grammar police friends will most likely have a field day with my potential errors and run on sentences. Just bear with me. This is meaty and long. Those who stay with me will get some cookies, lol!!!
Of course, I have to post one of my famous disclaimers:
Disclaimer: I am not here to start arguments or debates. I am not here to bash anyone, because if anything, that's the furthest thing I want to do. However, I am just bringing up observations of what I have been seeing and why I feel it is so wrong.
Okay, now that's cleared up, let's go....
Thankfully, people have been very gracious with me when I have asked for advice. I am thankful to be surrounded by amazing women who are seriously fabulous mommies. However, I have the very choice few that have made me kinda sorta want to rip my hair out when it comes to the hot button topics.
Already, I have been lectured about how I shouldn't even consider an epidural, breast feeding is the only way and I have gotten a little bit of crap that I am not going to be a stay at home mommy. Already I am starting to feel some heat and judgement. I mean, really?
This all leads to this long, crazy question/rant: Moms, why the f--- do we do this to ourselves? Seriously!!! I am sorry if that sounds crass, but it really pisses me off. Why can't we be on the same team? Should it really be our business if someone is breastfeeding, bottle feeding, working or staying at home? Why all this judgement? Why can't we simply just support each other in one of the most craziest life adventures in the world?
Let me break it down for you on why all this has set me off:
Epidurals- Sorry if this makes me any less of a woman, but I'm strongly considering getting an epidural. I have a low pain tolerance and I am very scared about labor. YES I have read the potential risks, etc. I don't go into things blindly. However, some women are incredulous that I'm not gung-ho for an all natural birth. Some women proudly state, "well I did it WITHOUT an epidural". Some others in the past have come off smug when they have said "well, I am absolutely only going to birth naturally" (irony is some of those same people ended up with epidurals). When I have heard this, part of me wants to ask if they want a gold star. That may sound rude, but it came off rude to me in the first place. I admire those who have done it med free. You rock! I know some didn't have a choice, some made that choice. I think that is truly and sincerely incredible! However, for us that may want pain meds, why should we be looked down upon? Does this make us any less of a mother? My take is at the very end of the day, no matter how you slice it (no pun intended lol) we all walk away with the same prize, our beautiful babies!
Breastfeeding- First, I don't think its anyone's dang business how I decide to feed my baby. My sis and friends who I have talked to about this really believe this mantra, and I do too. However, since I am writing about this, I should give an idea to what I am doing. I am going to try breastfeeding, absolutely. I am always up to try everything and I will work hard at it. However, I can't SOLEY breastfeed because I will be going back to work. I will need to pump, etc. Also, my doll will eventually need to learn how to take a bottle since I will be at work. Where I got angry was at one of my Kaiser nurses during a prenatal appt. She was checking me in, asking me questions about how everything was going at this point of my pregnancy, etc. All appropriate. Then she got personal and then asked, "Will you be breastfeeding?". Now, this had NOTHING to do with my appointment. Nothing at all to do with it. When I didn't give a resounding yes with a fist pump and a flip in the air, she gave me a look and IMMEDIATELY launched into a lecture that I need to breast feed, it's the only way, etc. I felt horrible and then pissed. I cut her off mid lecture and explained my plan even though she (again) had NO BUSINESS knowing what I was going to do. Why do I have to explain myself? I know of 4 specific people in my life who have tried and tried to breastfeed to no avail, and had to quit, even though that was the last thing they wanted to do. Why should they get judged for that? What if someone doesn't want to breastfeed (women have the choice, remember), and wants to do formula (I have one mommy friend in particular who went this route)? Even if YOU don't like/or wouldn't do that, why should they get judged for it? Who the heck cares? At the end of the day, babies are being fed, which is the most important thing, whether you like the method or not.
I am going back to work-this topic really irks me, and this is a huge reason why I am writing this post. Truly, this hot topic divides women so intensely and some women are just plain disgusting in their judgment, coming from BOTH sides. I remember awhile back in 2011 a friend on FB wrote the most scathing, disgusting post about working moms. At the time I wasn't even at the point of having a child, but it was so insulting and infuriating that I posted this post (sorry its grainy):
Fast forward 3 years later, I am one of the mommies going back to work after my maternity leave is up. Again, its no one's dang freaking business about what I am going to do, nor should I have to explain myself. Yes, I am going back to work. Am I excited about it? NO. I would love to be home or at the very least work part time, so I can be with my little one. Hubs and I have exhausted our financial options and even with major scaling back on some things (which we will be doing anyway), it is not feasible for me to stay at home. I am not explaining it any further. I am extremely fortunate that my mother will be watching my girl while I am working. It gives me so much peace knowing that.
Let's hit the pause button...I would like to take a brief second to do a shout out. If you are a SAHM and reading this, my big time hats off to you. I admire you, because a SAHM isn't an easy job or a cake walk! I have a lot of respect for y'all!
Okay, now going back to my story....3 particular people (at different times) have given me major crap about this decision, and cannot understand why I am going back. This truly hurt my feelings, and made me feel like I am already a terrible mother. I have felt so guilt ridden, and my baby isn't even here yet. I felt the judgment wasn't fair. Part of me wanted to sit down and show them my bills and our budget so they could see I am not doing this for kicks and giggles. However, I SHOULDN'T have to do that! Its none of their freaking business!
Recently, I came across an article thanks to a friend on FB titled "13 things SAHMs want you to know". I read through it, but I was mainly interested in the comments. I wondered what war would be started. However, SAHM and working mommies alike were so supportive and kind to one another. It was a very kumbaya moment. One stood out though. I read the most beautiful, loving comment coming from a SAHM, which truly renewed my hope in us mommies:
Ashley Sorensen, I don't know you, but God bless you. I wish more people (and yes, I am talking about both sides here) were as loving and gracious like you. Thank you. I read that and had to respond. It was amazing. It made me feel that I am still an okay person if I have to go back to work. Why can't we all respect each other's choices?
I am not here to start a debate or an argument. I would hope if you stayed with me, you would have gotten that sense. All I am simply saying is we as mothers need to stick together. We need to love one another and support each other. We have to understand and realize that every family is different, and different things work for different families. Being a mother is the hardest job in the world. The last thing we need is having each other rip and tear each other down.
Gah, my head feels like scrambled eggs now, LOL! Good night my loves,
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