So the next few posts will be me trying to make sense of the last month and a half. My "due date is tomorrow, and I'm kinda having a hard time. I was told in the preemie class that is common to feel this way when your due date comes. I'm partly doing these posts so I can remember what we went through, even though I would like to forget a lot of it. Rowan's entry to the world wasn't boring, that's for sure.
I'm also doing this because in talking to other preemie moms, we have to grieve certain parts of our pregnancy and the birth experience that didn't go to plan. This may be long, but this our journey. Thanks in advance if you are reading this!
It all starts with the hospital.
On April 4th, at 1:15 I am heading out to my regular baby appointment. I always enjoyed these appointments. At this point, the pregnancy was going well. Despite my Braxton hicks that sent me to L&D the week before, everything was fine. I will say that day I felt insanely exhausted. I felt so worn out. In my original plan I wanted to work up until May 9th, and I was worried that I would be too worn out to make it till then. It was on my list of things to discuss. My friend Jill took the last half an hour of my class. I cheerfully say "Bye, see you on Monday" to my students, my other babies. Little did I know I wouldn't be seeing them. To this day I am racked with guilt I wasn't able to have a proper goodbye.
At my doctor's appointment, my doctor and I did all the routine things. Rowan's heart sounded great, and I was still measuring big. We discussed last week's L&D craziness. Very nonchalantly, she asked if she could check my cervix, for kicks and giggles. We assumed all would be normal. Her face said it all. She quietly told me I was 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced. I would need to go to L&D immediately. I was stunned and shocked. WHAT THE HELL. Mind you, I am only 32 weeks and 2 days pregnant. To be considered "full term" in the earliest sense, I still had 5 weeks. I change back into my clothes, and slowly wipe the tears that are streaming down my face. I call Shannon and he cancels practice to come to me. I also call my sister and my mom.
Upon checking in, and doing another exam, I was actually at 2 cm dilated. It is a huge concern, I am officially in preterm labor. I get hooked up, IV goes in (OUCH) and I begin my steroid shot to help with Rowan's lungs. I am terrified, sad and disappointed. This is not how this was supposed to go. I could feel my sweet Rowan, moving around. I told her quite sternly she was not allowed to vacate the premises. I feel comfort as I hear Rowan' s sweet heart swish. As the night progresses, her heart sound slows. I slowly turn and her heart rate has dropped severely. The nurse in there looks up. The next part is like a scene from the show ER. She hits a code red button, nurses and doctors swarm in dramatically, talking in loud voices, taking out equipment. I am immediately flipped to my side faster than I can blink. Oxygen is shoved in my face and I am ordered to breathe. I start sobbing, because I am terrified and have no idea what to even think. I am terrified. Everyone seems to be waiting with bated breath. The heart swish gets louder, and I literally hear sighs of relief. The doctor comes over, rubs my back and asks if I am okay. I'm in hysterics. I am told she went down to 60 beats. Had she gone just one minute longer, I would have been wheeled out for an emergency C-section. I am so thankful she pulled through.
The next day was awful. I officially moved from pre term labor to now watching to see if Ro's heart would drop. I had a serious talk with the doctor that her being born early could be possible if this keeps happening. Since she would be preterm, this Kaiser didn't have enough to care for my peach, so she would have to be transferred to Roseville. I was told that more than likely, I would have to have an emergency C-section. They broke it all down for me, and I was terrified. What they wanted to do was to transfer me to Roseville, since they had a NICU. Problem with that is Roseville is 40 minutes away on a good day. There would be no heart monitors or anything to check her. If she decels and it goes low, nothing could be done. When they left, I felt broken and devastated. I cried and cried. I was afraid and beyond angry this was happening to me. The anger was so strong it even scared me. I screamed and yelled about how unfair this was. Basically I threw a fit. I took the best care of myself, did everything right, and always had a heart of gratitude. There were other moms that could care less about their pregnancies, do drugs/drink while pregnant, and went on to have healthy deliveries and babies. It just didn't seem right.
The next 2 days were rough, just being on guard on watching the girl. I could hardly get up to pee, they were so worried it would send Rowan over the edge. We made the decision to get transferred, despite the monitoring risk. My heart was heavy and I was scared, but I knew it had be done. That Monday, at 6 am, I am transferred. Shannon can't ride with me, so he follows us. As I am being wheeled out, sans monitor, we are stopped a few times for paperwork and questions. I wanted to scream! Finally, we are in the ambulance. I ask for oxygen and the whole time, I am reciting verses and praying. The EMT even held my hand and chatted my ear off to pass the time. It ended up taking 35 minutes, but it was the longest 35 of my life. I am wheeled in, use the potty, and I hooked up. Rowan's beautiful heart was immediately heard. I let out a huge sigh of relief and thank the Lord for this big victory.
I have to give Roseville labor and delivery the biggest shout out. They were fan freaking tastic! Anyone who has a baby there, please know you are in the best hands, and the nurses are wonderful. That being said, I was in Roseville L&D for 2 weeks. It was very, very hard emotionally. We basically were on 24 hour Rowan heart watch. The danger was still very much there. I was told if she had a "clean 24 hours" we could go home. This sounds psycho, but I was hoping we wouldn't. The reason being, how would I know if Rowan was okay at home? What if she deceled and I didn't know? Now that she is here, I can say it, but I was terrified of having a still born baby. That was my fear and it could have happened. The thing that kept me sane besides God and my family/friends were the nurses. They were so kind and loving. They treated me like a queen and at times, I felt like I was at hotel rather than a hospital. I was super duper well fed, and they brought me lots of snacks and treats. I gained one pound being there, which was shocking lol! They sat with me, held my hand, listened to me if I cried. I don't think I could thank those beautiful girls enough. I have always loved nurses, but honestly, they are saints.
Despite my amazing nurses, the stay was rough and isolating at times. I could get up to pee but that's it. Every morning, I would cry and cry. This truly wasn't how I envisioned any aspect of my pregnancy. I felt so empty and sad that this was happening. I was going to end my pregnancy like this. I truly wished that I could just go back to being normal. I felt like I couldn't even enjoy my pregnancy anymore. When I would look at my bump, it was covered in itchy goo, straps and monitors, and it broke my heart. I was so on edge each time her heart would dip and I was constantly afraid. I remember when I finally went outside for the first time in 12 days, I cried. I took for granted just being able to be outside. Honestly, I had never felt so broken in my whole life. I realized I had to lean on Christ to get me through this. It was too much to bear on my own.
Finally, on Friday morning, April 18th, I get the news I would be delivering the girl. She had dipped horrendously a few times the day before, and it wasn't safe. At this point, I was only 34 weeks pregnant. I had peace with this decision, oddly enough. I didn't realize what would be coming, but I just knew it was time. Rachel, my favorite nurse in the world, sat with me, and got me ready. She even took my last and final bump picture:
I went into labor and it was beautiful. The only thing so far that went amazingly well. For more on her birth story, click here.
My hospital stay was only the beginning of this insane and crazy journey. Here are pics documenting this journey:
It all starts with the hospital.
On April 4th, at 1:15 I am heading out to my regular baby appointment. I always enjoyed these appointments. At this point, the pregnancy was going well. Despite my Braxton hicks that sent me to L&D the week before, everything was fine. I will say that day I felt insanely exhausted. I felt so worn out. In my original plan I wanted to work up until May 9th, and I was worried that I would be too worn out to make it till then. It was on my list of things to discuss. My friend Jill took the last half an hour of my class. I cheerfully say "Bye, see you on Monday" to my students, my other babies. Little did I know I wouldn't be seeing them. To this day I am racked with guilt I wasn't able to have a proper goodbye.
At my doctor's appointment, my doctor and I did all the routine things. Rowan's heart sounded great, and I was still measuring big. We discussed last week's L&D craziness. Very nonchalantly, she asked if she could check my cervix, for kicks and giggles. We assumed all would be normal. Her face said it all. She quietly told me I was 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced. I would need to go to L&D immediately. I was stunned and shocked. WHAT THE HELL. Mind you, I am only 32 weeks and 2 days pregnant. To be considered "full term" in the earliest sense, I still had 5 weeks. I change back into my clothes, and slowly wipe the tears that are streaming down my face. I call Shannon and he cancels practice to come to me. I also call my sister and my mom.
Upon checking in, and doing another exam, I was actually at 2 cm dilated. It is a huge concern, I am officially in preterm labor. I get hooked up, IV goes in (OUCH) and I begin my steroid shot to help with Rowan's lungs. I am terrified, sad and disappointed. This is not how this was supposed to go. I could feel my sweet Rowan, moving around. I told her quite sternly she was not allowed to vacate the premises. I feel comfort as I hear Rowan' s sweet heart swish. As the night progresses, her heart sound slows. I slowly turn and her heart rate has dropped severely. The nurse in there looks up. The next part is like a scene from the show ER. She hits a code red button, nurses and doctors swarm in dramatically, talking in loud voices, taking out equipment. I am immediately flipped to my side faster than I can blink. Oxygen is shoved in my face and I am ordered to breathe. I start sobbing, because I am terrified and have no idea what to even think. I am terrified. Everyone seems to be waiting with bated breath. The heart swish gets louder, and I literally hear sighs of relief. The doctor comes over, rubs my back and asks if I am okay. I'm in hysterics. I am told she went down to 60 beats. Had she gone just one minute longer, I would have been wheeled out for an emergency C-section. I am so thankful she pulled through.
The next day was awful. I officially moved from pre term labor to now watching to see if Ro's heart would drop. I had a serious talk with the doctor that her being born early could be possible if this keeps happening. Since she would be preterm, this Kaiser didn't have enough to care for my peach, so she would have to be transferred to Roseville. I was told that more than likely, I would have to have an emergency C-section. They broke it all down for me, and I was terrified. What they wanted to do was to transfer me to Roseville, since they had a NICU. Problem with that is Roseville is 40 minutes away on a good day. There would be no heart monitors or anything to check her. If she decels and it goes low, nothing could be done. When they left, I felt broken and devastated. I cried and cried. I was afraid and beyond angry this was happening to me. The anger was so strong it even scared me. I screamed and yelled about how unfair this was. Basically I threw a fit. I took the best care of myself, did everything right, and always had a heart of gratitude. There were other moms that could care less about their pregnancies, do drugs/drink while pregnant, and went on to have healthy deliveries and babies. It just didn't seem right.
The next 2 days were rough, just being on guard on watching the girl. I could hardly get up to pee, they were so worried it would send Rowan over the edge. We made the decision to get transferred, despite the monitoring risk. My heart was heavy and I was scared, but I knew it had be done. That Monday, at 6 am, I am transferred. Shannon can't ride with me, so he follows us. As I am being wheeled out, sans monitor, we are stopped a few times for paperwork and questions. I wanted to scream! Finally, we are in the ambulance. I ask for oxygen and the whole time, I am reciting verses and praying. The EMT even held my hand and chatted my ear off to pass the time. It ended up taking 35 minutes, but it was the longest 35 of my life. I am wheeled in, use the potty, and I hooked up. Rowan's beautiful heart was immediately heard. I let out a huge sigh of relief and thank the Lord for this big victory.
I have to give Roseville labor and delivery the biggest shout out. They were fan freaking tastic! Anyone who has a baby there, please know you are in the best hands, and the nurses are wonderful. That being said, I was in Roseville L&D for 2 weeks. It was very, very hard emotionally. We basically were on 24 hour Rowan heart watch. The danger was still very much there. I was told if she had a "clean 24 hours" we could go home. This sounds psycho, but I was hoping we wouldn't. The reason being, how would I know if Rowan was okay at home? What if she deceled and I didn't know? Now that she is here, I can say it, but I was terrified of having a still born baby. That was my fear and it could have happened. The thing that kept me sane besides God and my family/friends were the nurses. They were so kind and loving. They treated me like a queen and at times, I felt like I was at hotel rather than a hospital. I was super duper well fed, and they brought me lots of snacks and treats. I gained one pound being there, which was shocking lol! They sat with me, held my hand, listened to me if I cried. I don't think I could thank those beautiful girls enough. I have always loved nurses, but honestly, they are saints.
Despite my amazing nurses, the stay was rough and isolating at times. I could get up to pee but that's it. Every morning, I would cry and cry. This truly wasn't how I envisioned any aspect of my pregnancy. I felt so empty and sad that this was happening. I was going to end my pregnancy like this. I truly wished that I could just go back to being normal. I felt like I couldn't even enjoy my pregnancy anymore. When I would look at my bump, it was covered in itchy goo, straps and monitors, and it broke my heart. I was so on edge each time her heart would dip and I was constantly afraid. I remember when I finally went outside for the first time in 12 days, I cried. I took for granted just being able to be outside. Honestly, I had never felt so broken in my whole life. I realized I had to lean on Christ to get me through this. It was too much to bear on my own.
Finally, on Friday morning, April 18th, I get the news I would be delivering the girl. She had dipped horrendously a few times the day before, and it wasn't safe. At this point, I was only 34 weeks pregnant. I had peace with this decision, oddly enough. I didn't realize what would be coming, but I just knew it was time. Rachel, my favorite nurse in the world, sat with me, and got me ready. She even took my last and final bump picture:
I went into labor and it was beautiful. The only thing so far that went amazingly well. For more on her birth story, click here.
My hospital stay was only the beginning of this insane and crazy journey. Here are pics documenting this journey:
 |
| This set is from my stay at South Sac... |
This is my stay at Roseville. I definitely got attached to my room, lol!
This set is more from Roseville! Did my bump shots here. Hubby was such a peach rubbing my feet!
Ahhh my beautiful bump. How I miss it! This was my bump in the last 2 days of my pregnancy.
I was in labor here. Yes, I realize I look bigger than 10 football fields, LOL! Oh dear...
Stay tuned for more about our journey!
I love you friend! I know that it has been so hard for you to not have the "end" to your pregnancy that you are hoping for. I'm so sorry that it was halted weeks before hand but God will send you beauty in brokenness and sweet Rowan is one of the most gorgeous babies I've ever seen. 6 extra weeks with her beautiful mommy and daddy <3 So thankful she is safe and healthy and that she has such a loving family to care for her. xoxo!!
ReplyDeleteI love you my sweet girl! Thank you for your sweet words! You were such an encouragement during this time! I love you and I can't wait for our girls to meet!!!!!
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