10 things I have learned from being a mama

HI friends,


Wow, super ridic I am just now posting! Sorry for the massive MIA...so much to talk about, so I definitely will be posting more!


Well, this particular subject has been lingering in my mind since I have been a mama for the past 13.5 months. Now, OBVIOUSLY I am SO NOT an expert, not even close. Heck, are any of us really experts? However, I feel like  a completely different person from when I first started this journey. These are 10 little lessons that I learned from being a parent thus far...

1. Being a parent isn't a horrific as some make it out to be...

Before kids, I was beyond terrified to have them. Heck, we waited 5 years (okay, more just me) because people made parenthood sound like a version of hell on earth. Turns out, being a parent is pretty darn cool. I love being a mother, and my baby girl is a pretty darn good baby. She is sweet, hysterical, joyful and deliciously chubby. While she is our #1 priority and comes first, we told ourselves that Rowan had to go with our lives, not the other way around. She has fit seamlessly into our world and sharing it with her is INCREDIBLE. I won't lie that it SUPER helps having an amazing spouse to help and do life with, but with that being said, comes this next one....

2. BUT being a parent can be hard too....

I know for my grammar people I used "BUT" in the beginning. Sorry, get over it, LOL! Okay, so being a parent is definitely be challenging. Even though Rowan is an "easy" baby in some ways, it hasn't been all kittens and sunshine. We have had our really rough seasons, and her health was HORRIBLE during the winter. When you have a baby, your life does get turned upside down. It is a massive life change. There are times where I feel panicky realizing I am in charge of this human for the rest of her life. There are days I wish I could just be alone or sleep in. However, I wouldn't change this life for anything.

3, It is okay to mourn your old life

To be quite honest, this right here is the BIGGEST reason why parenthood has been so hard. Having a child was a HUGE life change for me. I remember last summer sobbing into Rowan's tiny newborn head when I realized we wouldn't be going on our annual summer Vegas trip. I was longing for the yardstick drinks and nightlife. I know, lame huh? I went from doing whatever the heck I wanted to having to slow down completely to care for my infant. I really struggled with it in the beginning, and sometimes I super miss my old life. That's okay to feel that way but find ways to adjust. When Rowan was really little, we would go to the drive in. We would still eat out, go shopping, do day/road trips, the only difference is she came with us. Which leads me to my next one...

4. Take your baby every where!

As mentioned in my earlier bullet, we found ways to "carry on" on our old life by just taking her with us.  By the time she was 6 months old, she had already been on 4 road trips. It paid off in the end, because Rowan LOVES to be out in public. She loves to people watch and loves being out an about. Thanks to this, she actually is a decent traveler!

5. The first real sickness is the worst
We were very lucky we went 7 months before Rowan got really sick, and that's that she was formula fed (haha, sorry had to throw that in there!). It came to a crashing halt on Thanksgiving when we ended up in the ER thanks to having difficulty breathing. Rowan's chest was caving and I remember the car ride was the most terrifying ride of my life. Turned out Rowan had bronchiolitis, and it sure as heck wouldn't be our last.  I remember thinking she was going to die and it was pure trauma for all of us. That's when we were introduced to the nebulizer, abuetrol and pulmicort. Doing treatments and seeing her cry hysterically was more than this heart could take.  Thanks to her preemie lungs, every cold she would get from here on out would basically turn into bronchiolitis. Each time she got sick, we would do the treatments and each time it would get easier. I still get so sick to my stomach when she gets sick. However, she just keeps getting stronger and  I am too.


6. Always go with your gut
I am famous for being a germaphobe and hypochondriac. I think I need therapy, lol. However, every time I got a pit in my stomach, I was always spot on. Always trust your gut. God gave us that intuition for a reason!
7. SCHEDULE, SCHEDULE, SCHEDULE...
Some moms may not agree with me. I get it. I remember planning a meet up with a fellow mom friend. I asked her if we could meet after 7:30, which is Rowan's bedtime. She was shocked. She said her 9 month son's bedtime was 10:30, sometimes later. My eyes got big from hearing that. Now I get every family is different, and that's great. That may work for some families! However, I think my child is a great sleeper because of being on a schedule. She flourishes from it. Its  never a fight nor issue. As working parents, we also didn't have a choice.  I am also somewhat blessed that I have kid who likes their sleep (yes, I know this will/can change). I think that having a schedule was so important and vital for our family. It's also nice because hubby and I get alone time and bond together, which is so important.
8. Make time for hubby
I never realized that being a parent would put my marriage in the backseat. In the beginning it was very hard, and I felt like we were roomates. Especially in the early days, we were running on no sleep, and being downright snippy with each other. We realized we had to put ourselves first from time to time. Hubby and I have  BEYOND supportive family, and we have gone a good share of date nights and often trade babysitting with my sister. It has helped our marriage and recharge us!
9. Dem hormones are real...
Recently I did a blog post about my bout with the baby blues. It was CRAZY AS HELL in the beginning. I felt like it wasn't normal, because the movies and people make it seem like everything should always be sunshine. I felt like no one was going through it. I truly thought I had PPD, though it was just the blues. The hormones were insane and yucky. I felt so sad, angry yet sometimes elated all at once. Oh my land, these hormones are REAL, NORMAL, and its okay if you have them. I feel sad because I feel at times I didn't always savor those first 2 months because of it. It happens and it's totally okay. It gets better
10. Enjoy every season...
People said this to me all that time, as well as "enjoy it, it goes by quick". After awhile I would get annoyed but guess what, THEY ARE RIGHT. I find myself poring over Rowan's pictures/videos when she was tiny and at times, I catch myself crying. Every season with an infant can be amazing and rough. I remember during the tough times wishing she was bigger but now I want to stop time if I can. I learned that every tough season doesn't last forever and you don't get that time back. That saying is true, "the days seem long but the years are short". I get Rowan is only 13.5 months, but I swear she was 3 months old yesterday. Ugh, excuse me while I go cry....


Being a mother has been the toughest but most incredible experience of my life. I am thankful God deemed me worthy to be the mother of this extraordinary baby girl!

Dear weary mama

My blogger pal Gentel (blogger of leopardandgrace.com) had a beautiful idea of penning a letter to herself a year to the day she delivered. I loved the idea, because it gives you a chance to reflect on such an insane, beautiful moment. I have talked to death about Rowan's early birth, labor story and NICU. However, I have never talked about right after. It has been an intense, crazy and wild year. Being a little older and a little wiser, I wish I could go back and tell myself it was going to be okay. I am being honest, the first two or so months were beyond brutal for me. I HUGELY struggled with the baby blues, and honestly wondered if I had some postpartum depression. I didn't feel that magical movie bond with Rowan immediately, and that completely destroyed me.  I never talked too much to anyone about it (besides family) because quite frankly I was embarrassed and ashamed. To be honest, I am nervous posting this because I don't want to get judged. However, there needs to be conversations and support about these very sensitive topics. While I think we have come a long way with being open, I think a lot of mamas are too nervous and ashamed to admit it's not like the movies. I don't think I am alone with how I felt. Here, I am reflecting back and writing a letter to myself that I wish I would have known then. While the newborn season and those emotions were so difficult, I long for those precious newborn days back. Don't get me wrong, Rowan is FUN, but she is changing and growing too fast.

Dear  me,

The date is 5/6/14. You are finally home from NICU, congrats! It has been 2  long days since you have been released.  NICU was an intense experience for you. Right now, you are still reeling over the loss of what you envisioned the end of your pregnancy would be like. You are still stunned about the month you had, and how you finished your pregnancy hooked to a hospital bed. Instead of having skin to skin, your baby was whisked away to NICU. All of it is hurting you, because this isn't what you wanted. I know how angry you are. I see you quietly sobbing at the kitchen sink, washing bottles. You don't understand these intense feelings, and why you can't just feel normal. You know you are supposed to feel utter elation (or at least that what its like in the movies) but instead, you feel overwhelmed and sad. I know you are worried you might have postpartum depression. In the mix of all this, you feel shame and embarrassment. You don't get why you feel this way. Sweet mama, those are the sucky hormones that are making you crazy are those good ol' baby blues that you have read about. Add no sleep and its a disaster. It WILL get better, I promise you. If this brings you hope, your baby will sleep through the night. With the help of your sister, you will get a routine down, you will feel like a human again. I see you looking down at the former shell of a pregnancy belly, and feeling an ache that can't be replaced. You were one of those crazy gals who LOVED being pregnant, so you feel like something was stolen from you.  Right now, you are trying to pump breasts that have practically nothing, be sane for the people who come by and try to be the perfect mama to this beautiful baby born too soon. Please cut yourself some slack and give yourself grace. This is no time to be perfect. Right now, your heart is aching because you don't feel the magical bond that "every mom gets" the second their child is born. I know how much this is ripping your heart out. You have been so excited the minute you knew you were pregnant, and have been dreaming of this beautiful child for months. While you would throw yourself in front of a train for Rowan, you don't feel like she's your best friend. If anything, she seems like a big ol' grump that seems mad all the time.  Mama, please know this normal. You will learn later there are a quite a lot of mamas who have felt this way, most would never dare to admit it.  You are NOT alone. If this is any consolation to you, this girl WILL become your best friend. I know she is just grumpy newborn, but soon she will blossom. She will become the happy, chubby baby you were dreaming of. She will captivate your heart, and you will constantly be on the verge of happy tears simply because she is so precious and perfect to you. It will get better. Precious mama, my advice would be to savor this time. I know you think I am crazy, but trust me. This time goes by too fast. She will grow, become crazy active and a no longer want to curl up under your chin. This IS a hard season.  NO doubt about it. However, babies don't keep, and savor that sweet precious newborn smell. Know that it WILL get easier.



Love,
Me one year later, 5/6/15

my own worst critic

Disclaimer:
This isn't a pity me post, believe it or not. Sorry in advance if it looks like this, but certainly this is not the intent.

Let's continue..

I think as moms we are our own worst critic. I sure am.

In Rowan's short 9 months of life, she has gotten 2 small colds, 2 big bouts of bronchiolitis, and a UTI.

Each time (besides the UTI) she has had an illness, an accusing, judgey voice in my head fills up space. I call this voice my own worst enemy.  In my head, I hear:



"she's sick because you couldn't breastfeed. She would be fine if she would have been breastfed"



Sigh, I know. Why the hell do I think and feel this? I know some of you are going to lecture me how I shouldn't even be thinking these emotions after so long, but friends, dem' thoughts are still there.
I threw in the disclaimer because I don't want pity or for you to feel sorry for me. I am posting this because I am in the process of kicking these negative thoughts out of my mind, and this one way for me to release it.



I am sure as mamas, you have one thing that you may have guilt over. Breastfeeding is mine. Most of y'all know my story. If not, read it here.





My experience was heartbreaking and painful. My heart still aches a little when I am in public and I see a woman whip out her boob to feed. I wish so badly that were me. I see breastfeeding groups on facebook, and I wish I could be part of that club. To this day, some milk comes out, oddly enough.  Nothing to even suffice, more like drops. I have even resorted to scooping that and giving it to Rowan.



I don't see this too often on facebook, but I have had friends/family post pictures that proudly state "I am superhero, I breastfeed" or "breast is best",   etc. I remember somebody commented "you go girl, keep giving them that boob. That's the only thing that's the best for them."



Ouch.



 Yes, they should be proud and happy! I should be happy too, which I am, but those things sting. I know it shouldn't. I should be able to read through that and scroll on, but instead, I read it and feel shame. It makes me feel like Rowan isn't getting the best, and I am not doing a good enough job. This is my enemy, my own worst critic talking. The thing is, I am doing a good enough job. Rowan is happy, thriving, and well taken care of. She is loved more than life itself, its properly looked after/fed/clothed. We work hard to provide an incredible, beautiful life. She is loved and adored by so many, it brings tears to my eyes. She is truly the happiest baby on the block. Why the f%$& am I still worked up over not being able to breastfeed?


Rowan's pediatrician gave me some validation without realizing it. I love her pedi. She is a preemie mama herself, and it makes her so relatable. She shared with me that breastfed or not, preemies have a tendency to get sicker than their termie friends. For whatever reason, this solidified that I didn't mess her up because I couldn't breastfeed. She was getting sick because that is just the way life goes. Babies get sick. Breastfed or not, this was going to happen.


So to my own worst critic, you can go suck it.