Dear weary mama

My blogger pal Gentel (blogger of leopardandgrace.com) had a beautiful idea of penning a letter to herself a year to the day she delivered. I loved the idea, because it gives you a chance to reflect on such an insane, beautiful moment. I have talked to death about Rowan's early birth, labor story and NICU. However, I have never talked about right after. It has been an intense, crazy and wild year. Being a little older and a little wiser, I wish I could go back and tell myself it was going to be okay. I am being honest, the first two or so months were beyond brutal for me. I HUGELY struggled with the baby blues, and honestly wondered if I had some postpartum depression. I didn't feel that magical movie bond with Rowan immediately, and that completely destroyed me.  I never talked too much to anyone about it (besides family) because quite frankly I was embarrassed and ashamed. To be honest, I am nervous posting this because I don't want to get judged. However, there needs to be conversations and support about these very sensitive topics. While I think we have come a long way with being open, I think a lot of mamas are too nervous and ashamed to admit it's not like the movies. I don't think I am alone with how I felt. Here, I am reflecting back and writing a letter to myself that I wish I would have known then. While the newborn season and those emotions were so difficult, I long for those precious newborn days back. Don't get me wrong, Rowan is FUN, but she is changing and growing too fast.

Dear  me,

The date is 5/6/14. You are finally home from NICU, congrats! It has been 2  long days since you have been released.  NICU was an intense experience for you. Right now, you are still reeling over the loss of what you envisioned the end of your pregnancy would be like. You are still stunned about the month you had, and how you finished your pregnancy hooked to a hospital bed. Instead of having skin to skin, your baby was whisked away to NICU. All of it is hurting you, because this isn't what you wanted. I know how angry you are. I see you quietly sobbing at the kitchen sink, washing bottles. You don't understand these intense feelings, and why you can't just feel normal. You know you are supposed to feel utter elation (or at least that what its like in the movies) but instead, you feel overwhelmed and sad. I know you are worried you might have postpartum depression. In the mix of all this, you feel shame and embarrassment. You don't get why you feel this way. Sweet mama, those are the sucky hormones that are making you crazy are those good ol' baby blues that you have read about. Add no sleep and its a disaster. It WILL get better, I promise you. If this brings you hope, your baby will sleep through the night. With the help of your sister, you will get a routine down, you will feel like a human again. I see you looking down at the former shell of a pregnancy belly, and feeling an ache that can't be replaced. You were one of those crazy gals who LOVED being pregnant, so you feel like something was stolen from you.  Right now, you are trying to pump breasts that have practically nothing, be sane for the people who come by and try to be the perfect mama to this beautiful baby born too soon. Please cut yourself some slack and give yourself grace. This is no time to be perfect. Right now, your heart is aching because you don't feel the magical bond that "every mom gets" the second their child is born. I know how much this is ripping your heart out. You have been so excited the minute you knew you were pregnant, and have been dreaming of this beautiful child for months. While you would throw yourself in front of a train for Rowan, you don't feel like she's your best friend. If anything, she seems like a big ol' grump that seems mad all the time.  Mama, please know this normal. You will learn later there are a quite a lot of mamas who have felt this way, most would never dare to admit it.  You are NOT alone. If this is any consolation to you, this girl WILL become your best friend. I know she is just grumpy newborn, but soon she will blossom. She will become the happy, chubby baby you were dreaming of. She will captivate your heart, and you will constantly be on the verge of happy tears simply because she is so precious and perfect to you. It will get better. Precious mama, my advice would be to savor this time. I know you think I am crazy, but trust me. This time goes by too fast. She will grow, become crazy active and a no longer want to curl up under your chin. This IS a hard season.  NO doubt about it. However, babies don't keep, and savor that sweet precious newborn smell. Know that it WILL get easier.



Love,
Me one year later, 5/6/15