traveling with a "toddler"

Ahh, the joys of traveling. Prior to having baby, we enjoyed many little vacays and trips. Our love for travel started with our honeymoon to Ireland. Since then, Shannon and I were constantly going somewhere.  Sure, our vacays weren't sunning in Monte Carlo or traveling all over France, but we had so much fun. We built a lot of memories in our 5 years of just us. We vowed that once we became parents, our little travels would continue. Rowan went on her first trip when she was 3 months old. Honestly, I think we would have gone earlier except I was so paranoid about her getting sick!




Rowan was a champ that trip, and from then on we went on various road trips with her. Each time she did great and adjusted well to her surroundings. Sure it wasn't all sunshine all the time, but I felt mighty proud I had what I called "an easy traveler". I felt like we had it down and I was quite smug.


 I'm sure the good Lord got sick of my cocky attitude, because that all changed once she turned one.


This past summer, we had 3 trips planned, 2 of those trips would be with my awesome family. Our first trip was to Angel's Camp. Rowan once again did decent on the drive, enjoyed discovering our cabin that we were in. However, the night was crazy. Usually on trips she would settle to sleep. Her first few nights she would scream off and on throughout the entire night. She wouldn't settle down, would wake up ready to go at 4:30 am, etc. It was  crazy. I had no idea what the heck she was doing, lol. Naps were even harder. We tried to respect her schedule, but she would take horrible naps those first few days. Thanks to that she would be an ABSOLUTE pill, rightfully so thanks to her lack of sleep. I felt frustrated and I wanted her to enjoy her trip.


After awhile, it got better and she was able to enjoy her vacation. Next trip was to Santa Cruz, and we would be gone a little over a week. I felt a little wiser and made sure to pack a little differently to help her transition better. Sure enough, the first two nights were rough. Her naps got completely messed up, despite our best efforts. However, the trip overall was great, and we created some incredible memories! I have to say a major shout out to my family, who were beyond amazing, flexible and helpful with the baby!


So, what did I learn, as a newbie mama?


1. The first few nights might be rough- In general, when I travel, I often don't sleep great the first night or two. That's the same way with Rowan. These surroundings are so different to her, and she needs time to adjust.


2. Be flexible-I am a stickler to her routine, mainly because she does so well with it. During these trips I have learned that she may not always take a great nap, and every little snooze counts. Sometimes even a half an hour would be enough to perk her right up. With that being said...


3. Sometimes a stroller nap isn't an option-I learned my child WILL NOT sleep in the stroller. Good grief we tried every trick in the book, she wouldn't cave! I did learn that she doesn't mind conking out in the moby wrap. She would sometimes sleep almost an hour in it! Despite that I have a chubby baby, the moby actually provided a lot of support and it wasn't so bad on my body! I love my moby wrap!


4. Keep your expectations low- I have a tendency to build things WAY up in my head. I tried as much as I could to keep an open mind and just simply go with the flow. Things would always end up better that way!


5. If you are traveling with family, consider it a blessing!- We did Angels and Santa Cruz with my family, and they were BEYOND helpful with Rowan! I know it may not always be like that with every family, but I felt so supported on these trips. I was so thankful for their help! Also, we got to have a date night on both of those trips, which is a MAJOR bonus!


So, what's next? Only a 6 hour drive to Southern California, and a trip to Disneyland! This time, there is no family, just us! Precious Lord help us, LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear weary mama

My blogger pal Gentel (blogger of leopardandgrace.com) had a beautiful idea of penning a letter to herself a year to the day she delivered. I loved the idea, because it gives you a chance to reflect on such an insane, beautiful moment. I have talked to death about Rowan's early birth, labor story and NICU. However, I have never talked about right after. It has been an intense, crazy and wild year. Being a little older and a little wiser, I wish I could go back and tell myself it was going to be okay. I am being honest, the first two or so months were beyond brutal for me. I HUGELY struggled with the baby blues, and honestly wondered if I had some postpartum depression. I didn't feel that magical movie bond with Rowan immediately, and that completely destroyed me.  I never talked too much to anyone about it (besides family) because quite frankly I was embarrassed and ashamed. To be honest, I am nervous posting this because I don't want to get judged. However, there needs to be conversations and support about these very sensitive topics. While I think we have come a long way with being open, I think a lot of mamas are too nervous and ashamed to admit it's not like the movies. I don't think I am alone with how I felt. Here, I am reflecting back and writing a letter to myself that I wish I would have known then. While the newborn season and those emotions were so difficult, I long for those precious newborn days back. Don't get me wrong, Rowan is FUN, but she is changing and growing too fast.

Dear  me,

The date is 5/6/14. You are finally home from NICU, congrats! It has been 2  long days since you have been released.  NICU was an intense experience for you. Right now, you are still reeling over the loss of what you envisioned the end of your pregnancy would be like. You are still stunned about the month you had, and how you finished your pregnancy hooked to a hospital bed. Instead of having skin to skin, your baby was whisked away to NICU. All of it is hurting you, because this isn't what you wanted. I know how angry you are. I see you quietly sobbing at the kitchen sink, washing bottles. You don't understand these intense feelings, and why you can't just feel normal. You know you are supposed to feel utter elation (or at least that what its like in the movies) but instead, you feel overwhelmed and sad. I know you are worried you might have postpartum depression. In the mix of all this, you feel shame and embarrassment. You don't get why you feel this way. Sweet mama, those are the sucky hormones that are making you crazy are those good ol' baby blues that you have read about. Add no sleep and its a disaster. It WILL get better, I promise you. If this brings you hope, your baby will sleep through the night. With the help of your sister, you will get a routine down, you will feel like a human again. I see you looking down at the former shell of a pregnancy belly, and feeling an ache that can't be replaced. You were one of those crazy gals who LOVED being pregnant, so you feel like something was stolen from you.  Right now, you are trying to pump breasts that have practically nothing, be sane for the people who come by and try to be the perfect mama to this beautiful baby born too soon. Please cut yourself some slack and give yourself grace. This is no time to be perfect. Right now, your heart is aching because you don't feel the magical bond that "every mom gets" the second their child is born. I know how much this is ripping your heart out. You have been so excited the minute you knew you were pregnant, and have been dreaming of this beautiful child for months. While you would throw yourself in front of a train for Rowan, you don't feel like she's your best friend. If anything, she seems like a big ol' grump that seems mad all the time.  Mama, please know this normal. You will learn later there are a quite a lot of mamas who have felt this way, most would never dare to admit it.  You are NOT alone. If this is any consolation to you, this girl WILL become your best friend. I know she is just grumpy newborn, but soon she will blossom. She will become the happy, chubby baby you were dreaming of. She will captivate your heart, and you will constantly be on the verge of happy tears simply because she is so precious and perfect to you. It will get better. Precious mama, my advice would be to savor this time. I know you think I am crazy, but trust me. This time goes by too fast. She will grow, become crazy active and a no longer want to curl up under your chin. This IS a hard season.  NO doubt about it. However, babies don't keep, and savor that sweet precious newborn smell. Know that it WILL get easier.



Love,
Me one year later, 5/6/15

My crazy to journey to having Rowan: The NICU

Hi y'all


So I meant  to do these posts more closer together, but as I am realizing as a new mother, time is a lot different now, lol.




I am documenting the least favorite part of this journey. This part was definitely the hardest part and it was not easy. Us mamas deal with pregnancy hormones, regardless of how your baby gets here. Add the pressure to breastfeed (more on that later) from nurses and doctors, and throw in NICU, you have a cocktail for disaster.




Let's pick up from the day I delivered....


Rowan was whisked away to NICU. After being stitched up and some other housekeeping business from doctors and nurses, I was alone. I was so jacked on adrenaline that I couldn't feel sad or eat. My mom and sister came in, overjoyed and thrilled over what happened. After recovering for an hour, I was allowed to go to NICU. I was wheeled down and literally bouncing out of my wheelchair to see my baby.




The NICU was a busy, noisy, sterile place filled with nurses, machines, incubators, wires, monitors, etc. As I washed up, I glanced around at the little babies around me. My heart sank as I saw these gorgeous, precious babies be hooked up, some worse for wear than others. I was wheeled to my princess. She was sleeping peacefully without any tubes in her, or oxygen. She had some wires attached to her, monitoring her heart rate, pulse, etc. She was in an open incubator. All of this was positive and great, because it meant she had very little problems.

However it's a really sad thing when your baby  have wires taped to them. It looks totally scary. I remember seeing Rowan for the first time. my heart was full of joy and then I heard her cry. She let out a really sorrowful cry that produced a tiny tear. That's when I lost it. Then I realize the magnitude that my daughter was going to be here for a while. Nicu has a rule of thumb which means babies can't leave till they are at least 35 weeks. We were in for quite the journey.

Rowan was only in NICU for two weeks, but it was 2 weeks too long. I don't wish NICU on my worst enemy. Again, Rowan didn't have anything insanely wrong with her. Sure, the "diagnosis" of reflux came up and also the diagnosis of her bifid uvula, but other than that, she was a grower and a feeder. There were babies in there that had horrendous conditions and made me feel so thankful and grateful for my little girl.

However, NICU plays on your emotions. As my mama friends can agree, the emotions are insane after birth. I big time had the baby blues (a post on that later) and I was so emotional being in there. I really had a rough time seeing Rowan in NICU. What broke my heart was leaving her. We were lucky to stay the hospital a few extra days but once we had to go home, it was really tough. I felt so empty and depressed. A huge piece of my heart was 45 minutes away and I just felt so bitter for my
experience. On top of that, I really wasn't a fan of her doctors, Dr. Buxton and Dr. Ajebola. They were rude and pretty dismissive. For a brand new mama who was scared, worried and full of questions, they had really poor bedside manner. And no, I have no qualms putting their names on here. Dr. Lai, who was her doc in the beginning, was amazing!

 I also was given a ton of pressure by some of the nurses about breastfeeding and I had a horrific supply, thanks to being 6 weeks early. I was under so much stress and pressure from them, that I was reduced to tears so many times (a post on that too!). It was pretty awful. Now don't get me wrong, not all nurses were like that. There were so many that I fell in love with! Many of them were beyond kind, compassionate and loving to us and especially to our girl. I will be forever in their debt and so thankful!

Overall, it was emotionally draining. I wasn't sleeping well and hubby and I were emotionally spent. I was so thankful to have my hubby. He was truly my rock! There were many days we were told we could go home with Ro, but then we would have a set back. She had a small Brady (where a baby stops breathing) thanks to her nose spit ups.  It bought us more time. Finally, after passing her car seat test (she failed the first time), we were allowed to room in with her, which means we stay in a room in the NICU wing and have basically a dress rehearsal. It surreal as we were on our own. I was so terrified to be alone with her! She was still so little! What if she stopped breathing? What do we do, etc etc. Luckily Rowan did just fine even though we didn't sleep much. Finally on Sunday, May 4th (which is Star Wars Day)  we were released to go home. We thought it was neat to be released on Star Wars day and decided it was because she was one strong Jedi knight! (Sorry the nerdiness will stop!) 

Rowan did beautifully on the car ride home. I will never forget walking up to our home with our prize. We were going to finally begin life with our precious girl!

Our stay in NICU was tough, but it did have it's silver linings:

1. Despite leaving baby, we had to get accustomed to it, whether we liked it or not. Due to that, we can go on a date night, or I can run to the store without panicking that baby is at home. I know some mamas that struggle leaving for even 10 minutes. Our NICU stay made me tough in that regard. Of course I miss her when I'm not with her, but we can leave and it's manageable, and I don't feel like I'm dying.

2. Rowan was put on a strict schedule for feedings and diaper changes. Thanks to that, Rowan is very routined and wakes up once in the middle of the night to eat. It's super awesome! Now, lately Rowan sometimes doesn't fall asleep after that late feed, but hey, we are working on it!

3. Rowan loves noise! NICU is bright, loud and noisy! The upside to that is she sleeps through everything! It is so wonderful and nice! If it's too quiet, she freaks out lol!

  

Here are some pics from the first day in NICU:

These next batches of pictures is our stay over the period of two weeks: 

A batch from the last week. Note, the car seat picture is her being tested to see if she can tolerate the car seat for an hour. She looks so small! Sadly that first time she failed, because she turned blue. While this is normal for preemies it was still scary:

This next batch is us rooming with our girl:

This is the batch of us being released! The first picture is our last and final meal of just us two! Now life would begin as the 3 of us!

My beautiful, 10 pound chubby girl now! I am just in love with this beautiful human: