12 months: Happy 1st birthday Rowan!

month 1 vs. month 12

I'm typing this with a lump in my throat. This picture makes me cry.

My daughter is one! How the HECK did it go by so fast? This year truly has been life changing. I'm not going to lie, in the beginning it was hard and crazy. Her early birth stunned me and I battled some MAJOR baby blues. Honestly, I think I may have had a touch of PPD (may blog about this later). Our lives were turned upside down caring for a tiny premature infant with horrific reflux issues. We were up all night, worn out, and exhausted. Throw in the struggle to breastfeed and you've got yourself a big problem. There were many times I broke down, not sure how we were going to do it. However, with the grace of God, things got a little easier and MUCH better. What's funny is I miss those tiny newborn days. I wish I could have it back, lol!! I have been a teary mess for the last few days now. I know that sounds cheesy, but seeing how far my child has come, well, it overwhelms me in a good way. Rowan has brought a joy to our lives that honestly can't be explained. Our lives were quite fabulous before her, but it has gotten even better with her in it. I can't believe that I almost swore off having kids. I love being a mother, and she is truly a gift from above. This year has been monumental, busy, joyous and crazy. I wouldn't trade this life for all the money in the world.

Name: Rowan Decaris Potter

Rowan's age: 12 months old, 10.5 months adjusted age

Weight:
At birth: 5.2 pounds
Now: 24 pounds! Holy tank! This blows me away how big she has gotten! She is in the 92% percentile for her weight. Some people get all offended when people say their baby is chubby, but I LOOOOOVE it! Anyone who knows me well knows I love my chubbies! I love all her precious fluff and rolls! I know it will melt off soon, and honestly, that makes me sad :(

favorite foods:
Pretty much everything EXCEPT frosting. At her cake smash, she got frosting caked on her fingers and she about lost her mind. She threw the biggest diva fit, LOL! More on that later. At her well baby appt, we were given the green light to start whole milk, so we will transition her later this week. Other than that, Rowan eats a lot of what we eat!

Clothing size:
At birth: preemie size clothing, size 1 diapers (sniff, sniff)
Now: size 4 diapers, 24m clothing size and starting to wear 2T! Still super tiny feet!

Rowan milestones (for her adjusted age, 10.5months):

-Army crawling like a champ and is getting better at pulling herself up.

-Now she has officially 8 teeth

-Rowan can stand for longer periods of time. She of course has at least one hand on something.

- Can say : mama, dada, baba, dis, dat. Can say a whole slew of other sounds and blends that I can't quite make out quite yet.

-blows kisses

-When daddy asks "donde esta la luna" (where is the moon in Spanish) She immediately looks up and finds the moon! Also points a lot to her nose as we are teaching her where certain facial are. Points to everything and will say "dis" or "Dat"

-With the above statement, we are teaching her to be bilingual and is now responding to both languages. She can respond to a variety of different phrases. I credit this to my mom, who speaks to her in Spanish all day when she is watching her. Rowan is half Salvadorean, so it is important to me she knows her culture and language. It is incredible to me how quick she is learning!


-Rowan also tries to mimic our arm and facial movements. If we point to our nose, she will do it.

-When you take something away, she is extremely aware of it and will track where you put it, LOL!

 
 Rowan loves: 

-Lambs, thanks to Baby Einstein. She got a lamb who we call Goldie, and Rowan loves her. 

-HANGERS. Why on earth have we bought this child any toys? Rowan is the happiest when she is playing and eating hangers. SIGH.

-Loves her father. I know, a big fat DUH but seriously, this girl is ALL ABOUT daddy. I'm kinda jealous lol! SHe can be super crabby with me, but the minute her father walks in the door, she goes crazy!!

 

-ANy toy that lights up or plays music. Also loves her stackable cups.

 

-Despite thinking cake is the devil, Rowan LOVES ice cream. Oh boy...

Rowan doesn't like:
-being woken up in the morning. For the last few months, we have had to wake her up to get ready for work. She HATES it (don't blame her) and straight up acts like a teenager about it.

-Very demanding about food and throws major fits when it doesn't come fast enough :(

-Being held too long. She wants to be on the floor. This makes my heart ache a little.

-HATES being changed and getting a fresh diaper. She is apparently much too busy to be still!

New things/happenings this month:

Not a ton of "new" things, but still, it was a great month!

-Rowan celebrated her first birthday party! It was this past weekend and we partied hearty! A HUGE post will be dedicated to this.

-We did our final 12 month shoot on April 19, Rowan's actual birthday! We have been seeing Jamie Cardoza for all of our every 3 month sessions! She has done 3-6-9-12 months and IS AMAZING. A post is being dedicated to her! ANyway, we did our final one and Rowan did pretty well, considering she partied too hard the night before (already living the supermodel lifestyle, lmao!). At the very end, we did the cake smash and she SCREAMED like she got spanked! Oh my land, this girl!!! Somehow, Jamie STILL managed to get decent shots!

- We celebrated Rowan's 1st Easter! I can't believe I haven't blogged about this! GAH! It was so fun, and Rowan definitely enjoyed it! Did great getting her picture done with the Easter bunny, which shocked me!

-This isn't super new, but we have been getting busier with playdates. Rowan super enjoys them and really loves babies and kids.

-Becoming more a "fixture" at Daddy's practices and meets! People seem drawn to her and she gets lots of attention, which she of course loves.

 

How is Rowan's spit up?: Well, oddly enough, she was spitting up a good few times this month, even spitting up her whole bottle. Not quite sure what was going on, but thankfully it passed.
 

Sleep:
Still doing decent on sleep! If I am tired its because I chose to stay up! I am a little worried we had it too easy with her, and next baby (Lord willing we have another) might be crazy hard, LOL!

Rowan's personality so far: 
A sweet, joyful spirit is how I can describe Rowan. While she has a HUGE personality when she is upset, she is very good natured and joyful.

This year has been the most beautiful year of my life. It has had plenty of its ups and downs, but I wouldn't trade this job for the world. I can't wait to see what the next year brings! I'm debating if I will do monthly posts, mainly because I don't want to annoy people, LOL!

I am so thankful God picked me to the mother of this extraordinary baby girl! I love you forever Rowan!

My Rowan dump...on the very bottom is a picture of her at the birthday party (WAY more on that later) and some sneak peeks of her 12 month session:

adjusted part 2

Welp, I have written on this subject before, Rowan's milestones.

When we are in public with our precious human, we get lots of compliments, like most parents do with their babies. It always starts off with "oh she is so chubby/pretty/beautiful". Of course, this mama's heart feels like exploding! Then 90% of the time, this is the follow up question:

well meaning stranger: "Is she walking yet?"

me: " No, not yet"

well meaning stranger: "Oh she must be crawling, how's that"

me (starting to feel foolish): "Actually she's not yet".

Then, I KID you not, comes the gasp, or horrified look. Or this, because its happened a few times:"What!?! Really, that's crazy". I have had the same comment said to me by some people we know. If you are reading this, don't worry it wasn't you.

Thanks stranger, because its not like I am already not stressed about it.

It makes me feel like a worthless mama, so then I feel obligated to dive into her story. I explain she's a preemie, that her adjusted age is really barely 10 months, etc. etc.  Usually then, the stranger then feels bad, launches into a story about so-so who didn't crawl till 12 months, etc.

On facebook, there was a bunch of us pregnant at the same time (I think 11 of us?), and I had about 4 friends due in the fall. All but me were born at term. All of those babies crawled between 7-9 months, one even at 6. Some of those said babies were walking well before they turned 1. Seeing these posts, seeing these babies be on the crazy move makes my heart ache and worry. It made me feel something was wrong with Rowan, I am not doing enough, etc. etc. I recently ran into this quote and totally felt it was from God:

                I think I need to tattoo this on my head. Just sayin'.

Comparing Rowan to other babies, is so incredibly wrong. And it sure has stolen my joy. She is her own unique, beautiful self. I keep repeating that quote to myself quite often!

Even with this, I felt in my heart we need to get checked out, just in case. So I scheduled an appointment with her physical therapist. She has always been great and is a massive help.

She first observed Rowan play. She then picked her up in different ways and felt her hips. She then explained her muscles and hips felt just fine. Phew!

Next, she showed us different ways to help encourage crawling. 

Then she shared this bit of news....

Rowan is not delayed.

Let me repeat that to myself, Rowan is not delayed. She shared with me that the "norm" for crawling can go from 7 months to 12 months. I felt like cheering. I felt like shoving that info into people's faces who unintentionally made me feel like crap.



Rowan is mobile, but not in the traditional sense of crawling. She also shared a huge nugget...

SOME BABIES DON'T CRAWL. PERIOD.

I held on to her every word, feeling relieved there wasn't anything wrong with my sweet pea.

Then, something crazy happened...

Dr. Hixon had a colorful, tall, noisy toy that Rowan didn't have. It played loud music and it peaked her interest immediately. She then started to pull herself, and move her thighs. Within a second, she started army crawling, which is technically another form crawling. We all looked at her move, stunned. Dr. Hixon shook her head and laughed. She said "It's almost like she needed motivation". As she was saying this, Rowan was now army crawling to different toys. This mama was ELATED!!! Finally, something!!!!

You have got to be kidding me though, she needed to be motivated?!?! Is she lazy?? LOL!!!!!!!!

The funny thing is, we DO work with her. She has awesome toys. However, this girl needed a boost from a stranger to get her going. OH ROWAN.

Rowan is now on the prowl even more than ever, army crawling and rolling every which way, getting into even more mischief. She is more confident in pulling herself up, except she likes to pull up on things that aren't sturdy and/or they are light weight, which makes her mad. Rowan still very much loves to stand and bounce.

I am overjoyed and thrilled. However, I had to have a "come to Jesus" talk with myself. I have been pretty disappointed in myself and getting all worked up over this milestone crap. Comparing truly is a thief of joy. Instead of obsessing about her crawling, I need to be enjoying her, because babies sure as heck don't keep.

new doctor, hopefully a better second time...

It is insane that on Saturday will mark 1 year since I was admitted for my scary hospital stay which led to Rowan's early birth. That situation was so scary  and frightening, however, I could see where God was holding our family so tightly. With that being said, I am wanting to take action in event we even have a 2nd baby.

Before we continue, please note WE ARE NOT TRYING FOR A SECOND BABY, ESPECIALLY NOT NOW. Okay, let's carry on....

A while back, I decided to switch my ob/gyn doctor. It was a decision I didn't take lightly.
I did like my former doctor. She also knew my pregnancy and history. I also credit her for catching my preterm labor. However, she is TOO RELAXED about things.

If you know me at all, I am super OCD and total hypocondriac. Relaxed doesn't work for me. Throughout my pregnancy little things were bugging me. AT my 6 week postpartum, she didn't do a pap. She breezed through the pathology report about my placenta. I asked if we had a "next time" if I would be monitored and she gaily replied "nah, you weren't that early". Um, WHAT? That was it, I was done.

I knew if we got pregnant again, I needed a doctor who be concise, concerned, and thorough. I wanted to monitored carefully, nothing willy nilly. Per recommendation of a friend who had serious woman issues, she recommended her doc, Dr. Nolte.

She did let me know it was a guy doctor, which I wasn't a fan of. HOWEVER...upon meeting him I knew right away he was "the one", LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He did the routine pap, and I had a million questions. I wanted a re-reading of the pathology report. This was important, because when I had Rowan, the nurse noticed it seemed pretty calcified, meaning my placenta was done. This is normal if you are 40 weeks, but when you are barely 34 weeks, this is not okay.

He read the report verbatim and happily reported that my placenta was 100% fine, and it wasn't the cause of Rowan's early birth. I was so pleased, but also frustrated as I of course wanted the cause of my early labor.

I briefed him of my entire pregnancy and labor, A to Z.

Here's the good news, in some ways:

-Despite being dialated at 2 cm, that wasn't necessarily a concern. Most women can be like that and not go into preterm labor. That wasn't a concern. While it was right of my former doctor to send me to L&D, this solely wouldn't have warranted a hospital stay.

-basically the only reason I had the stay was because of her heart decelerations. However, had I not been "caught" I would have been sent home. He says about 90% of women especially late in pregnancy would show heart decels if they were hooked up. I was just one of the lucky  ones that got caught. So insane!

-SInce techinically I didn't go into labor myself (water never broke on its own, I was induced), this was a positive sign. Meaning that the only reason why she came out was of her horrible decels the day before she was born.

So, what does that mean? Dr. Nolte explained that I was in a weird gray area with all of the preterm labor. There didn't seem to be a specific cause, and that pretty much  it was a freak of nature incident.

HOWEVER (and this was music to my ears) if I was to get pregnant again, I would be watched like a hawk, begin progestrone shots in 2nd trimester (basically to keep baby in) and do stress tests later down the road. This is exactly what I wanted.

To be honest, I am SUPER nervous about even having a second child. We shall see if that even happens. What gives me peace is knowing I will have a doctor who is completely on my side! I feel so thankful for that!

Happy 11 months Rowan!

Sigh, how did 11 months just fly by? I am in serious in denial that she is going to be ONE in just a few short weeks. Honestly, it makes me want to cry. I miss her tiny baby days!This is by far the craziest life change, but man, it has been amazing. I just love her!

Name: Rowan Decaris Potter

Rowan's age: 11 months old, 9.5 months adjusted age

Weight: 23.10 pounds, heading pretty close to 24 pounds! My big girl!!!!

favorite foods:
EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING. It amazes me all that she likes! She tried a pickle and didn't make a face. If anything, she got mad she didn't have more. This girl is very demanding when she eats and throws a fit if we don't feed her quickly. Oh child!

Clothing size: 24m is fitting just right. She's wearing 2T in pants and even some 2T in clothing. Dresses are more forgiving and she can sneak a 12m dress. Wearing size 4 diapers!
 

Rowan milestones (for her adjusted age, 9.5months):
 

-Rowan's vocabulary is starting to expand and while I obviously can't understand her, she is super verbal and  makes long sentences of blends. When she is crying, she clearly makes strings of sounds and definitely is trying to complain. She may not be the most physical baby, but she sure as heck can communicate!

-Rowan officially has 7 NOT 8 teeth like we originally thought, lol! 4 top ones and they are getting longer!

-Rowan is getting pretty good at going from lying down to sitting up! I heard that's a tough-ish milestone for babies!

-Rowan is even more confident with her standing and LOVES it. She is starting to gain more strength in her legs.

 

-Rowan went from giving backward open/close hand waves to full blown arm waves! So cute

-She is starting to shake her head no if you ask her something. ::Sigh::

-Little miss likes pulling up on things, but chooses to pull on light weight items (like laundry baskets lol). Oh child!

 
 Rowan loves: 
 

-Sofia the first! While at my sister's it happened to come on  and she screamed with delight. She watched it with rapt attention and could not be bothered.

-Drinking bath water. Gross!

-Loves to pull down shirts. I apologize to family and friends that have been subjected to Rowan's attempt to pull down your shirt, lol. If she succeeds, she loves to blow raspberries on your chest. Oh this child!

 

-Has a major affinity for dogs and horses. During her belated  9 month shoot in late February, we saw horses and she about flipped her lid. She loved the mama horse and her pony. She reacts this way with dogs. I think this means we need to buy her a pony and a puppy LOL!

 

-loves looking at the "other" Rowan. She loves any type of mirror and will scream with delight when she sees herself. Conceited much?? LOL. She also LOVES to kiss herself, it freaking cracks me up!  

Rowan doesn't like:

-waiting for anything. LOL. She is so impatient!
-still hates being left alone, even for a second
-gets angry if you take something away from her

New things/happenings this month:

-Rowan went to her first high school swim practice and swim meet! This was so fun and OF COURSE I documented. Hubby and I were heavily into swim team and water polo, especially hubby. He was all American all through high school and college and was constantly in the paper. He has coached swimming for over 20 years. SO...guess what sports we want her to play?? We jokingly say she is going to carry on the "Potter swim legacy" LOL!!! Rowan has now gone to 2 practices and loves seeing the water splash and watching the kids. She at first didn't like the swim meet because it was VERY LOUD with the noise and buzzers. SHe gradually warmed up and ended up LOVING it!

 

-Rowan had pasta and of course gobbled it up.

 

-Rowan also tried the swings for the first time. I ashamed we haven't taken her sooner. We had to stuff blankets because she is so dang top heavy. At first she didn't know what to think but soon enjoyed it!

How is Rowan's spit up?: Practically non-existent!

 

Sleep:
Rowan is still on a great nap and sleep routine. I am so proud of the hard work we did with her! There are some nights where she may squeak but otherwise it's okay.

Rowan's personality so far: 
Rowan is my sassy sassafras! She loves people and is so insanely happy. She has a sassy personality when she's upset, which makes me worry for when she is 2, LOL! However, this girl can light up a room and makes my heart fill with such joy!


I am so thankful God picked me to the mother of this extraordinary baby girl! I love you forever Rowan!


Here is my monthly Rowan dump:

Let's be honest....

Finally feel comfortable writing this post, because as of now, I am ready.

When was pregnant, I was one of those "lucky" gals that didn't gain a ton of weight.  I made a lot of my pals annoyed (some who were pregnant) and I heard many "you are so lucky," etc types of comments. On the day I delivered, I got weighed and my grand total of pregnancy gain was 16 pounds. I know some of you are probably ready to leave, lol! HOWEVER... when I got pregnant, I was not at my ideal weight for my height, hence I couldn't afford to gain a jillion pounds. Don't leave yet!

Sigh, those pregnancy glory days. I miss being pregnant so incredibly much!!!!

A week after giving birth, I was back to my pregnancy weight. Hallelujah, the end. Right????

NOPE.

Cue in NICU, stress and craziness. The NICU was over 45 minutes away. We would have to invest a full day the hospital, as it was too hard to drive back and forth. Because of that, we ate out a lot. Still, the weight stayed off, kinda.

2 weeks later, we got released. For 2-3 weeks after, we ate pretty well, thanks to amazing friends and family who brought dinners over.


Then, once life began, that is where it went downhill. We were constantly eating out /take out. I was too tired to cook, and to be honest, feeling very, very overwhelmed. Once I started work, I was struggling on how to balance everything. I would cook at times, but instead, take out was much easier. I noticed the weight creeping back. However, I was too exhausted to work out, I just didn't care. I would snack on everything in sight, and wouldn't pay attention to what I was putting in my mouth.I was eating nothing but pure junk. I hardly was drinking water, because honestly, I can't stand it. We would eat out at least 3 times a week and wonder why money was tight at the end of the month.

Pic of me feeling/looking my worst. I see this pic and cringe. I had gained all the weight back and then some.

By the time Rowan was 9 months, I gained all of those 16 pounds back, plus some more. I was depressed. My clothes no longer fit, I was so sluggish by my poor eating, and I felt miserable. I was so embarrassed on how I looked to others, hated taking pictures because I felt fat. I would look at myself in the mirror and wonder what the hell happened. Every time we would eat all that unhealthy crap, a war was waging in my head. I wanted to change, but didn't want to do the work. I knew at the end of the day, clean eating and exercise was the ticket. I didn't have the desire to change till I saw a family member struggling with the same thing make a radical life change. That was enough to get me going.

I knew a the end of the day what I had to do. Not only did I want to lose weight, but I owed it to my daughter to set the example and be healthy for her.

I am still a little embarrassed to say what route I am doing to lose the weight. Don't worry, its nothing scary or bad. Just not 100%  I am ready to share that yet. However, it consists of MUCH healthier eating, exercise and accountability. I also got a fit bit, which is tracking my steps and activity. After a week and half of eating better, exercising,and daily drinking 80 oz of water, I have lost 4.8 pounds. I am so excited and proud! However, I FEEL mentally and physically better. It is amazing what true clean eating and drinking water can do to a person. I have cut out almost all junk (except for 1 cheat meal a week). Honestly, I am starting to not really miss it! I find myself more often reaching for fruit, which I never thought would happen! I feel alive, less sluggish and most of all, guilt free since I am putting good in my body. My goal is to lose at the VERY least 15 pounds by May. Not sure if that's not a big enough goal or a lofty one, but I am aiming for that. If I lose more, great!

I am also going to be experimenting a lot with healthy recipes and especially desserts. Don't be surprised if some pop up here and there! So, cheers to making changes and seeing results! Oh and new mamas (or anyone trying to be healthier), if you are in my boat, maybe we can try to keep each other accountable, etc??? Cheers to the healthy life!!

Happy 10 months Rowan!

10 months.

WHAT?!?!?!



Omg people, I can't even handle that this kid is heading towards 12 months. I am in some serious denial about it. We are enjoying every second of this insanely fast journey!








Name: Rowan Decaris Potter

Rowan's age: 10 months old, 8.5 months adjusted age

Weight: Holy tank baby...she weighs  22.8 pounds. She is HEAVY and sturdy! To be honest, I'm going to be sad when her chubbies melt away! She is so yummy!!! 

Solids?  Yeppers! We are now heading into the ever so trendy baby led weaning. She especially likes chicken and let's be honest, pretty much everything else.

Clothing size: Gulp, size 24, even venturing in 2T for pants! Her summer bathing suit is even 2T! She can still fit into 18 months, but we are heading down the 24 m path. Wearing size 4 diapers!

Rowan milestones (for her adjusted age, 8.5months):

Sigh, I need to be honest here. I am really having hard time with these damn milestones. Rowan isn't crawling and quite frankly, she's not that interested. She also isn't pulling herself up. Now, I know y'all are going to say "relax" and "go by her adjusted age" but its hard when even some 6 month old babies I know are crawling, some 9 month babes are walking, etc. Her physical therapist doesn't seemed too concerned.  However, when it seems like EVERYONE around you is going above and beyond, well, one can't help but worry. It also doesn't help that this weekend 2 ladies around my mom's age asked why she isn't walking yet. UGH.

-Despite her not crawling, she definitely moves. She slithers, slides, rolls and moves backwards on her belly. She IS (at times) getting on her hands and knees, but doesn't want to really move forward.

 

-While Rowan may not be physical, she is SUPER verbal. Besides "mama" and "Dada" she says "nananana" for banana and also says (at times) "mo mo" for more. She says a BUNCH of other random blends and sounds that leads me to believe we may have a true talker pretty soon. This makes me feel better.

-Rowan is cutting 3 teeth in the top front!! Her first front tooth is almost out, as well as one next to it. Her other front tooth is starting to make its way. Poor babe is trying to be such a trooper!

-Rowan doesn't pull herself up yet, but we have been standing her up against things. She will hold on and stand for a good 15-20 seconds before she plops down. She LOVES it, as this is something new to her.

 

-Rowan is doing a really good job at grabbing small food objects. I think this is in part that she loves to eat!



-Rowan loves to "wrestle" with objects. We have some big blow up toys and she has a big dolly. SHe will climb on top of them, roll over them, pull them on to herself, etc. It is quite funny to watch!


-Rowan is starting to give high fives. So cute!

 

 Rowan loves: 

-Baby Einstein! Now, people get so freaking judgey about TV but this is the ONLY way Rowan will take her daily nebulizer treatments (more on that below).  She will joyfully scream anytime the beginning music comes on. Its so cute!


-loves mum mums and cheerios! HOLY CRAP. We created a monster! If we go out to eat, we have to have a good supply on hand as that makes her happy and preoccupied!


-loves to clap at everything!


-also loves to drink out of straws

Rowan doesn't like:

-waiting for anything. LOL. She is so impatient!



-being left alone for a second. Often, (like most parents) we just need to drop something off in the sink or go put something away. Well, this girl isn't a fan of being alone and will totally cry. Oh Rowan...



-Rowan is getting to the stage where she gets upset if you take something away, like oh you know, chewing the curtains, etc. She gets so mad!

New things/happenings this month:

-We celebrated our first Valentine's day with her! Nothing especially out of the ordinary but we gave her a present and had lots of snuggles! Hubs and I were able to go on a date which was so nice!

-Rowan got a UTI. It was awful! She had a super high fever with ZERO symptoms. She ended up with antibiotics which helped tremendously. It was nerve wracking!



-At one of her appointments, it was brought up that she always seems to have constant wheeziness. One of the doctors recommended that we do breathing treatments every morning with a medicine called Pulmicort. In short, it's like taking blood pressure medicine so you don't have a heart attack. This has changed our lives! She still seems a bit wheezy at times, but the true test was when she caught a cold this month. Normally, its big, dramatic and usually turns to bronchiolitis. HOWEVER...this time it was a tiny, plain, regular ol' cold. It was amazing! We are thankful for this treatment!



-We recently got into the crazy trend of baby reps on instagram. There is a huge wave of baby clothing/accessories shops on IG (basically like etsy on IG). Shops will then open up for baby brand representatives. You takecute, styled pics of your baby and enter them in these searches. If you are picked, you get free merch in exchange for photos they use for marketing. After 3 weeks, Rowan got picked to be a brand enthusiast for Her_Bowtique! Its a lot of fun but its work! I basically try to just take pictures of her during the weekend.

How is Rowan's spit up?: Practically non-existent!

 

Sleep:
Rowan is on a great nap and sleep routine. It took work in the beginning but it paid off! And yes, I am furiously knocking on wood. I am SO thankful. I know a lot of babies even her age don't sleep through the night.

Rowan's personality so far: 
Rowan is Miss Personality. She is so sweet, joyful and loveable. She is also a major firecracker and definitely has my strong personality. I love watching Rowan discover life. It is incredible and amazing!


I am so thankful God picked me to the mother of this extraordinary baby girl! I love you forever Rowan!


Here is my monthly Rowan dump:

 

 

 

my own worst critic

Disclaimer:
This isn't a pity me post, believe it or not. Sorry in advance if it looks like this, but certainly this is not the intent.

Let's continue..

I think as moms we are our own worst critic. I sure am.

In Rowan's short 9 months of life, she has gotten 2 small colds, 2 big bouts of bronchiolitis, and a UTI.

Each time (besides the UTI) she has had an illness, an accusing, judgey voice in my head fills up space. I call this voice my own worst enemy.  In my head, I hear:



"she's sick because you couldn't breastfeed. She would be fine if she would have been breastfed"



Sigh, I know. Why the hell do I think and feel this? I know some of you are going to lecture me how I shouldn't even be thinking these emotions after so long, but friends, dem' thoughts are still there.
I threw in the disclaimer because I don't want pity or for you to feel sorry for me. I am posting this because I am in the process of kicking these negative thoughts out of my mind, and this one way for me to release it.



I am sure as mamas, you have one thing that you may have guilt over. Breastfeeding is mine. Most of y'all know my story. If not, read it here.





My experience was heartbreaking and painful. My heart still aches a little when I am in public and I see a woman whip out her boob to feed. I wish so badly that were me. I see breastfeeding groups on facebook, and I wish I could be part of that club. To this day, some milk comes out, oddly enough.  Nothing to even suffice, more like drops. I have even resorted to scooping that and giving it to Rowan.



I don't see this too often on facebook, but I have had friends/family post pictures that proudly state "I am superhero, I breastfeed" or "breast is best",   etc. I remember somebody commented "you go girl, keep giving them that boob. That's the only thing that's the best for them."



Ouch.



 Yes, they should be proud and happy! I should be happy too, which I am, but those things sting. I know it shouldn't. I should be able to read through that and scroll on, but instead, I read it and feel shame. It makes me feel like Rowan isn't getting the best, and I am not doing a good enough job. This is my enemy, my own worst critic talking. The thing is, I am doing a good enough job. Rowan is happy, thriving, and well taken care of. She is loved more than life itself, its properly looked after/fed/clothed. We work hard to provide an incredible, beautiful life. She is loved and adored by so many, it brings tears to my eyes. She is truly the happiest baby on the block. Why the f%$& am I still worked up over not being able to breastfeed?


Rowan's pediatrician gave me some validation without realizing it. I love her pedi. She is a preemie mama herself, and it makes her so relatable. She shared with me that breastfed or not, preemies have a tendency to get sicker than their termie friends. For whatever reason, this solidified that I didn't mess her up because I couldn't breastfeed. She was getting sick because that is just the way life goes. Babies get sick. Breastfed or not, this was going to happen.


So to my own worst critic, you can go suck it.