This has been the most stressful, draining and scariest week of my life. Obviously most of you know why thanks to fb posts, my IG or by email/text. If you have happened to wander on the blog just now and don't know, I will try to catch you up to speed in the fastest way possible.
-basically at 32 weeks exactly I was admitted for preterm labor.
-preterm labor was thrown out the window when the noticed Rowan was having very scary heart dips. One got so bad had it lasted another minute, the would have had to perform an emergency c-section.
-I was transferred to the Roseville Kaiser, which has the best NICU in the area. We have been here since Monday.
-since we have been here, Rowan has been doing volumes better. Mind you, she is a vision of health and proper growth. However from time to time her heart dips a little bit. Thankfully not as bad as before (these dips are usually are in the 120's)
-bottom line, there are two options: she has to have 24 hours of nothing crazy or I will be here till about 36 weeks. After that they are hoping to induce me.
So here I am confined to my hospital bed. I first just want to say how much I appreciate all of you guys lifting us through prayer and encouraging words. I know I have said this many times before on Facebook but seriously I think the only reason why I haven't completely lost my mind is because of you guys and even more, your prayers. Shannon and I just feel so thankful and overwhelmed by your love and support. We appreciate you guys so incredibly much.
So I have had a lot of thoughts while being here. When I first was admitted and found out what was going on I couldn't help but feel so incredibly angry. I was silently screaming at God why this was happening. As most of you know and have been following my pregnancy, I literally have had the most perfect pregnancy. I'm sure ticked off my few pregnant friends who were so sick of the time lol. Seriously, this pregnancy has been nothing but incredible.
So when this all happened I felt like the world was crashing down around me. I know it seems so melodramatic. I literally thought I was going to lose my beautiful baby, this tiny human being that I have grown so insanely in love with. The thought of losing her made me want to throw up, rip down walls and set something on fire. I couldn't even tolerate the thought.
I also went through a very brief time Where I really struggled looking at other preggo's nearly full-term pregnancies on Facebook. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to offend anyone but it was really hard to see that only because I wish so badly that that could be me. For once I finally felt like I was so insanely cheated and I just felt like this is extremely unfair. There are so many people that we all hear about, People who are in and out of jail, on drugs, abuse their kids, yet they carry their babies full-term and they don't have any issues. And then you have people like my husband and I, who have our crap together and can provide the world and yet this happens to us. I just went through a really bad time of just feeling like this is just most cruelest thing that could have happened. It made me realize don't ever, ever take anything for granted. I didn't think I did that with this pregnancy, but it's a good reminder. I also feel like life changed for me last Friday. Stupid things I used to worry about I could really give a crap about now. Like stretch marks. I was so complainy about getting them. Now I would welcome a belly full of them if it could promise me Rowan's safety. I used to be worried about gaining too much weight. Now I can hardly give a crap about that.
As time went on, and by the grace of God, the anger and feelings have now disappeared and I had to be strong and focus on the most important thing: my unborn daughter.
To be honest I have my good days and my bad ones. The times are I just feel so strong and know that my daughter will be okay and there are other days I'm just so terrified because there seems to be so many unknowns. Like for example, if she dips too long, like over 5 minutes, she could have brain damage.
I know I have said this before to many of you but the one of the reasons why am scared is because I'm terrified of going home. One of the amazing part about being in this amazing hospital is that I am being monitoring closely literally 24 hours a day. Lord forbid something happens, help is about .5 seconds away. I'm nervous for being at home I obviously will not be hooked up on monitors. All I will have to just rely on is my kick counts and her moving to know she is okay. I will be tested twice a week just to make sure that she is doing okay but I still feel it's not enough. My biggest fear is something horrible happening to her and I wouldn't know. That I cannot live with. The doctors and nurses have literally have had to talk me "off the ledge" so many times while I've been here because I'm so afraid of something happening to my baby. If you want to know a specific prayer request to pray for this moment, besides Rowan stabilizing and keep growing, it's praying for these insane anxiety and fears to go away. I truly believe with all my heart that these thoughts are absolutely not of God they're totally from the devil. He knows where I am weak and he knows what my ultimate fear is and he's using it to torture my mind.
At times I'm silently screaming at God to literally command these feelings to disappear. Like I said I have my good days and my bad ones.
I just have to keep praying keep trusting God that Rowan is his creation and he loves her (and I) so much. He is there holding us up because I can't do it and I have zero control. It's a daily surrender for me.
Thank you so much dear friends for being there for us. I'm planning on blogging more since I have the time. I promise my posts won't be all depressing lol!!!!!!
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