Showing grace to the idiot....

The other day, I was at my mom's house and I was trying to find an old book in one of my old closets when I unearthed a plethora of old notes written to me and some I had written to my friends when I was in junior high.
I had a laugh because the stupid drama and angst was just too funny. But that is a another post.

One of the notes was written while I was in Mr. Amutan's spanish class, when I was junior high....it brought back a sad, embarrasing story.

It was spring of 1997. Junior high was a major low point in my little life, thanks to the bullying that was taking place. Things were finally starting to shape up, but I was trying, painfully trying, to fit in so badly.

Spanish class with Mr. Amutan was starting.  Mr. Amutan was a nice guy. However he was also sarcastic, and was sometimes mean sarcastic. I remember I was having a bad day. So during class, I guess I wasn't paying attention. He calls me, I dumbly look at him, and he starts hounding on me. I guess I had enough because I stood up and said "F--- you Mr. Amutan!".

The whole class, including him gasps.

I stand there, frozen, realizing what I had done.

He points towards the door, while staring at me, and says in a deadly voice

"OUT. NOW."

I was still stupid though. As I walked out the class clapped and cheered for me and I even got some high fives. It puffed me up, as I so badly wanted acceptance. That feeling only lasted 10 seconds.

I stood outside, realizing what stupid, mean, and rude thing I had done. I have never ever cussed at teacher; if anything, I was the "good kid", always respectful. I was afraid my parents would murder me if they found out. I was planning my funeral as Mr. Amutan came out.

He must have realized I was shaking and my face was white, and remembered my track record as the "good kid" because he said "Why did you do it" in a voice that killed me. I shakily said, "I don't know, I am so sorry".

At that moment, that man showed me kindness, grace and mercy because all he said was "Please don't ever, ever do that again. It was so disrespectful and I expected better of you"

I thought I would die.

 4 years later, as a senior in high school, I worked at a tutoring center called Score. The door opens and Mr. Amutan walks through the door with his lovely wife and young daughter. I thought I would die. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. This man was human and had a family and I told him to "F off. Even though it had been a few years, I felt horrible.

We have a perfectly fine conversation and he sees I am clearly more matured and grown up.

It makes me realize as a teacher, I need to make sure I am showing grace like him, to my students everyday.

Thank you Mr. Amutan, for showing the idiot some grace.

And I am still sorry.

Me in 1997. Yikes.