my own worst critic

Disclaimer:
This isn't a pity me post, believe it or not. Sorry in advance if it looks like this, but certainly this is not the intent.

Let's continue..

I think as moms we are our own worst critic. I sure am.

In Rowan's short 9 months of life, she has gotten 2 small colds, 2 big bouts of bronchiolitis, and a UTI.

Each time (besides the UTI) she has had an illness, an accusing, judgey voice in my head fills up space. I call this voice my own worst enemy.  In my head, I hear:



"she's sick because you couldn't breastfeed. She would be fine if she would have been breastfed"



Sigh, I know. Why the hell do I think and feel this? I know some of you are going to lecture me how I shouldn't even be thinking these emotions after so long, but friends, dem' thoughts are still there.
I threw in the disclaimer because I don't want pity or for you to feel sorry for me. I am posting this because I am in the process of kicking these negative thoughts out of my mind, and this one way for me to release it.



I am sure as mamas, you have one thing that you may have guilt over. Breastfeeding is mine. Most of y'all know my story. If not, read it here.





My experience was heartbreaking and painful. My heart still aches a little when I am in public and I see a woman whip out her boob to feed. I wish so badly that were me. I see breastfeeding groups on facebook, and I wish I could be part of that club. To this day, some milk comes out, oddly enough.  Nothing to even suffice, more like drops. I have even resorted to scooping that and giving it to Rowan.



I don't see this too often on facebook, but I have had friends/family post pictures that proudly state "I am superhero, I breastfeed" or "breast is best",   etc. I remember somebody commented "you go girl, keep giving them that boob. That's the only thing that's the best for them."



Ouch.



 Yes, they should be proud and happy! I should be happy too, which I am, but those things sting. I know it shouldn't. I should be able to read through that and scroll on, but instead, I read it and feel shame. It makes me feel like Rowan isn't getting the best, and I am not doing a good enough job. This is my enemy, my own worst critic talking. The thing is, I am doing a good enough job. Rowan is happy, thriving, and well taken care of. She is loved more than life itself, its properly looked after/fed/clothed. We work hard to provide an incredible, beautiful life. She is loved and adored by so many, it brings tears to my eyes. She is truly the happiest baby on the block. Why the f%$& am I still worked up over not being able to breastfeed?


Rowan's pediatrician gave me some validation without realizing it. I love her pedi. She is a preemie mama herself, and it makes her so relatable. She shared with me that breastfed or not, preemies have a tendency to get sicker than their termie friends. For whatever reason, this solidified that I didn't mess her up because I couldn't breastfeed. She was getting sick because that is just the way life goes. Babies get sick. Breastfed or not, this was going to happen.


So to my own worst critic, you can go suck it.