free falling

Well,
I haven't been the best of blogger lately....things have been rather wild. I should let you know, this post is quite candid, but you should expect that, because I am not quite the person to hold things back, lol!


For those who haven't been caught up to speed, Shannon and I are both pink slipped which means no jobbies for us next year. While Shannon has a better chance of being called back, me not so much. I am so far on the totem poll (my district "slipped" all the way to '05). I do still pray for miracles. The feelings that I have been feeling remind me of when my daddy got re diagnosed with cancer. I hate comparing the two, because losing a parent is a terrible experience. But its those same feelings I felt that my life has become completely out of control and there is nothing I can do (that is within my power) to change any bit of it.


At times, I have been a little angry in my prayers to God. Now, before you all chastise me, hear me out. Lately, besides our jobs, some other poopy things have come up that have become WAY stressful. At this point, the things that aren't seeming to go bad, which I am EXTREMELY grateful for, is my wonderful marriage ( Ilove that boy so much), our health is good, and we are even closer with family and friends. I knock on wood as I say this, lol!! Anyway, getting back to the point, I have had some frank convos with God and almost whining, "why is this happening to us, it isn't fair, etc. etc". I have had to pull back and really get back into the word, whichI should have been doing in the first place. I have re-read this verse, which has been insanely relevant to me:

"But if anyone lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives to all generously and without reprimand, and it will be given to him. But he must ask with faith and without doubting, for one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed around by the wind." James 1: 5-6

This really spoke to me, because a lot of my prayers I have not shown much faith. If anything, I am EXTREMELY doubtful which is terrible, I know. I have come to realize that in my walk, I have lacked tremendous faith, I have become so overwhelmed that I am not giving it to God and letting him take over. Since I have realized this, I am letting go more and trying to come to him with more faith. Its so dang hard though. I feel like I am free falling. I am also trying to remind myself that God is much bigger than this whole mess of a situation and he is holding my husband and I in his hands. Reminding myself of this, it makes it a whole lot easier to get through.

I am grateful to my precious family and friends, who have been lifting us up in prayers and encouraging us with verses and positive thoughts. These acts are so simple, yet mean so much to Shannon and I.

If you can, please keep praying for us. We love you guys.