Sunday, June 29, 2014

Why I no longer breastfeed

Ahhh...how I just love to stir the pot eh? I am sure by this title, I am getting a slew of judgment!!!











Now on to my famous disclaimers....I have nothing against breastfeeding.  I made it large, dark and underlined so we get that part crystal clear, LOL!!! I personally feel it's a beautiful thing and for those who are able to do it with ease, more power to you! This is just my story, my journey.








When I got pregnant, I had full intentions to breastfeed. I always thought it was neat that our bodies had a built in system to feed our babies. I had a good outlook on it. However, I knew of many terrible and sad stories of women and their struggle to breastfeed. I tried to keep my expectations low. I have a tendency to build things up in my head. When they don't go to plan, I am always very disappointed. I didn't want to set this huge expectations and be let down later. So, I just tried to keep a cool head about breastfeeding. The one thing that bugged me as my pregnancy progressed, was the expectation from Kaiser that I would breastfeed no matter what. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Kaiser is infamous for this. It was like I didn't have a choice, it was practically felt like "do or die". This feeling really irritated me. However, I would have full intentions of trying, no matter what.




I also didn't like the stigma if a woman isn't able or doesn't want to breastfeed. While our culture is so prudish about breastfeeding, especially in public, there is a movement of what seems like sheer hatred for those who don't breastfeed. "Breast is best", "my baby is only getting the best", "I'm giving my baby best thing God gave me" is some of the few comments I have heard. Well, God forbid you give your baby formula! In my breastfeeding class, I heard things from the lactation consultant that  formula fed babies are more sickly, are more than likely to become obese, breastfed babies are smarter, etc. I had to laugh, because I knew about 5 formula fed babies in my life (now kids) that are GATE (gifted and talented education, for my non teacher friends, basically, they are highly intelligent), skinny, and hardly sick. But okay, your facts I am certain are solid, Ms. Lactation Lady! I remember sitting there in class, sweating bullets and thinking  "Holy crap! I better be able to do this!" The pressure was on and I was praying I would be able to breastfeed. I felt a little anxious but tried to push those stressors out of my mind.










Let's go back to the day I delivered. I was moved to my recovery room, with my precious infant 3 floors below in NICU. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. It was starting to catch up to me. After being checked by the nurse, a pump was shoved in my hands. The nurse says, "now honey, you need to pump, pump, pump" I look at her disbelief and say, "how? I just delivered 6 weeks early! My body isn't ready". I'm no doctor, but I even knew my body wasn't prepared for all this. She dismisses me and says, "it doesn't matter, your body will get the message. You need to do it, every 3 hours, even through the night. Any milk you get, take to NICU." She briefs me a little more, shows me a bag of little bottles and syringes and she leaves. I blink in disbelief. All I want to do is see my baby and sleep. How the hell do I use this thing? I felt frustrated, angry and beyond tired.






Thankfully my sister was there and she showed me. It hurt so bad. Absolutely nothing came out. I felt disappointed. I was hoping it would just come free flowing, LOL!  Finally the hour of recovery passed and I could go visit my precious prize in NICU. After seeing her for 5 minutes, they lifted her out of her incubator and wanted me to breastfeed immediately. Despite taking a class, I didn't know what to do, but I was more terrified to hold my tiny baby and make her to feed when I knew she wasn't ready, or at least that is what I thought. However, I wanted to commit to this and I carefully held her with some help. She latched but looked confused. Nothing came out. She started to suck weakly and still, nothing came out. She got frustrated and began to cry. I felt panicked. The nurse took her back and said "its okay, we will try again. You need to be pumping every 3 hours, no matter what". Sigh.










So, I listened to the nurses and pumped every 3 freaking hours. I was lucky that hubby and I got to stay at the hospital a few extra days in the border room set for NICU parents.  I set my alarm and woke up a few times a night. Nothing was coming and I was getting frustrated. I was in a lot of pain, emotions are raging, and I am beyond exhausted. As I visit NICU in the first 2 days, I am hounded by certain nurses about my milk. "Do you have anything?" "are you still pumping every 3 hours?" etc was what I constantly heard. When I would explain that I was, they would give me looks like I wasn't doing enough. I would go to my room and cry. I was trying so hard and I felt like a failure. I finally was getting drops. Drops, people, just drops. I would scoop up my gold and put them in syringes. I would then give it to the nurses. I felt bad that it wasn't more. Finally on day 4, my milk supposedly came in. I rejoiced because I then thought I would be just fine. One thing I didn't realize was going to happen was the pain. The pain was the worst thing I had ever felt. I remember burying my head in hubby's arms and crying, it hurt so bad. So despite that pumping exacerbated the pain x10, I continued to pump. I would try and stay calm, look at Rowan's picture, the whole 9. However, I was barely clearing a half ounce. No joke.






WTF.






At this point, the pressure from some of the nurses was getting unbearable. This is what I heard:


"Why aren't you pumping more milk?"-I am, every three hours.
"You need to increase your time to 40 minutes"-Because 30 minutes isn't enough.
"Your daughter wouldn't spit up as much if you gave her more milk"-Wow, okay, I will do better next time then.
"You must pump every 3 hours, why aren't you doing that?"- I am, clearly you didn't hear me the first time.
Oh and the looks! When I would hand my tiny amount of milk, certain nurses would look back at me, with condescending pity.






And my favorite. I learned that Rowan had a bifid uvula (which is the dangly thing in the back of your throat. Hers is shaped like a heart). Nothing will really come from it, but that she might be prone to ear infections. The "wonderful" Dr. Buxton has the gall to say "Well, she wouldn't have future ear infections if she just had your breastmilk. Each time you come in, I want to see you pump at least an ounce on each breast." I remember looking at her, feeling completely astounded. What I wanted to do was tell her to shut the ---- up and punch her in the face. Instead, in a firm and steady voice, I say "I am doing the best I can. I am do everything I can to get milk. I am not getting enough and the pressure is too much". She seems to realize the idiocy of her statement and starts to backpedal. 

I was at my wits end. I would call my sister daily and be in hysterics. She told me if I needed to stop, I can stop. I wanted to believe that, but everyone around me made me feel like I couldn't. I was also putting Rowan to breast a few times a day. However, she had weak jaw muscles that made it hard, and she had a poor latch, despite all the help I was getting. I would put her on my breast and she would scream and turn purple because she was starving and frustrated. Quite the amazing bonding experience, eh?






A middle disclaimer...please note that a majority of our NICU nurses were amazing beyond measure. It probably sounds like I hate them and I definitely don't. There were simply a very small group of  nurses that were very Nazi-esque. Everyone else was amazing, kind and wonderful. I just wanted to throw that out there. OKay, let's continue.






The worst was  one of the days in the middle of the our NICU stay. The nurse on that shift had me pump around the clock, take care of Rowan, then pump again. I was exhausted, and I hadn't eaten a single thing the whole day because I was either pumping or doing Rowan's cares (NICU buzz word for diaper, temp check and bottle feed). It was around 4 pm, and I was washing my jillion breast pump pieces. The new nurse that came on duty says, "Rowan's next cares are in 45 minutes. Will you be back to do them and pump?". At that point, I realized how long I had been in NICU. I was exhausted and starving. I look down at the sink and blink back the tears, but I just can't. I'm so overwhelmed. The nurse, who was actually one of the kinder ones, realized how upset I was  and made me leave so I could rest. When I shared with hubby, he was infuriated. He asked if this was even worth it. He says this, because despite all my hard work, I was barely making an ounce in each session. So much work for so little result. However, the thoughts of "breast is best" "anything is better than nothing" was so stuck in my head I wanted to keep going.






Despite my willingness to keep on, I decided to push back to the pressure. Whenever I got grief, I made sure to stand my ground and not let anyone give me crap when I was trying so dang hard. That's when I met another slew of nurses who were kind and showed me grace. One shared how she could hardly breastfeed herself, her supply was so low. So many of these nurses held my hand and would quietly say that I could stop.  That I am not a bad mother. This experience doesn't make me any less of woman. Who gives a s--- what anyone says or thinks. That my baby was growing and thriving on formula. You are nourishing your baby, and that is important. A happy, unstressed mother is the best mother. You are a good mother, and not any less because you are struggling to breastfeed. They had to be quiet on this advice because they really aren't supposed to promote to stop breastfeeding. Their whole mantra is just to breastfeed. So saying all of that was controversial.






This brought so much encouragement to my heart, and it made the last few days of our draining stay more bearable. My sister, who was one of my biggest cheerleaders, asked me what I wanted to do once we left. I had decided I would still pump and try to breastfeed her. I simply didn't want to give up.






Once we were home, I was pumping 4-5 a day, in total ONLY producing 2 ounces, enough for just one feed. I would put Rowan to breast, but she HATED it, despite me working so hard. What proved even MORE difficult was I had a stupid UTI the first 3 weeks we were home. It was getting worrisome, because it wasn't going away and I was on so many different types of meds. I had to pump and dump, because Rowan's doctor didn't want her to absorb my medicine, for fear her immature liver wouldn't tolerate it. Pumping and dumping is beyond depressing. All of that stupid medicine also affected my already awful supply. All of this to say, was this really even worth it? Even after my UTI was FINALLY cleared, I barely produced 3 ounces after a full day's worth of pumping. It was beyond frustrating.  I began taking fenugreek and drinking mother's milk, but it only helped slightly. I  was barely clearing 3.






Last week, my sister and I had a heart to heart about breastfeeding. I shared with her I wanted to keep trying because I felt this horrific guilt and truly felt like a failure. I felt like I failed my  daughter. This should have been the one thing that was natural and easy and I straight up bombed. We talked for a good while, with her giving me support and encouragement, which I so badly needed. That evening, hubby and I had a chat about this too, if this was really worth it. He could see how hard it was for me, how disappointed when I would pull back the pump, and look at my depressing supply. He said "You are an amazing mother. You can stop". I realized at this point, I deep down wanted to stop as well. My daughter was healthy and gaining weight at such a fast rate. She was happy and thriving. I knew it was okay to stop.




So, as of today, I am no longer pumping and breastfeeding.  I have zero guilt now, because I knew I gave it everything I had. I am angry and sad for my experience. I went through hell for my daughter. The stress and pressure from hospital staff was cruel and unkind. While Kaiser prides itself for being baby friendly, it sure as hell isn't mother friendly. My pretty baby girl is a champion eater and is happy. Right at this moment, she weighs over 10.5 pounds, inching closer to 11 pounds. Her doctor and the nurses are amazed at her "preemie" weight (ha, she is off that preemie weight chart) and are thrilled she is doing so well. She easily doubled her weight after barely 2 months.


At the end of the day, my beautiful girl is thriving. She bonds with daddy and I (since daddy CAN ACTUALLY feed her), smiling through the bottle nipple, and staring at us with those beautiful eyes. As I bottle-feed my beautiful girl late at night, I feel an intense connection with her, and pray for her as she chomps away. Since stopping, I am so much more happier and at peace. As I mentioned earlier, my daughter is being nourished and is thriving. At the end of the day, isn't that what matters?







Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Happy 2 months Rowan!



How the heck is my precious baby already 2 months! AHHH!!!! She turned 2 months last Thursday.







I am amazed on her growth and boy, this girl is chubbing up! Those who know me, know I LOVE chubby babies. I love that my girl is getting so chubtastic! She has rolls for days and she is just yummy!! Now bear in mind if she wasn't chubby, I wouldn't care, OF COURSE.




It has been a wild 2 months and I feel like we are all starting to get used to each other. Rowan is a a very sweet girl who has quite the personality.  I keep being told she has my personality which may be scary because it will be a clash of the drama queens, LOL!!!!







Here is an update on my baby:


Name: Rowan Decaris Potter



Rowan's age: 2 months. Preemie age is technically 3.5 weeks, but heck, her preemie status ain't slowing her down! Based off of what I have been reading, she is doing what a term 2 month baby would be doing! The real test is those big milestones like sitting up, etc. However, I am not stressing!


Nicknames: Petunia, pickles, kitty (when she cries she sometimes sounds like a kitty), RoDecar, Ro Po (my favorite from Uncle Ben), Miss Ro


Rowan can: lift her neck higher! She also turns her head side to side, on her back AND tummy. She loves to track things and loves bright shapes and colors. She loves to kick and hit the animals on her playmat. She is starting to smile, and sometimes breaks out into these giant grins at the ceiling. I wonder if she sees her grandparents!  Despite her loathing of tummy time, she kicks a ton and moves so much. It looks like she is about to crawl! She also discovered sucking on her fist. I thought it was a hunger thing, but after a hearty meal, she still does it!


Rowan loves: to be naked,  EAT EAT EAT (drinking  4 oz now), being on her playmat, and cuddling! She also loves give open mouth kisses on mommy and daddy's cheeks!


Rowan doesn't like: tummy time (ooh the screams!), sleeping on her back, farting, and baths. Daddy says she better get used to it, since she will be a swimmer and water polo player like her parents, haha!


Rowan's weight: At her appointment last Thursday, she weighs10 pounds! Yesterday she nearly weighs 10 and half pounds! She is no longer on the preemie weight chart because she is such a big girl!


Chub?: Yes, yes, yes! What a yummy girl!

How is Rowan's spit up?: Well, with our Dr's blessing, we changed her formula to Enfamil AR. Wow, our lives are forever changed. Her spit ups are very minor, and she isn't fazed by the spit ups in the least. It seems a lot gentler on her tummy and she is overall MUCH happier!



Sleeping at night?: NOPE! Wow where do I begin? Well, we had a crazy sleep plan and I wasn't having it much longer. I am not a fan of co sleeping (no offense, it is not for us) but the only way she would sleep soundly is in a sleeper wedge thing between us. We had a week of bliss but we decided we don't want a baby in our bed. We also want to have her more on a set schedule and I wanted to start sleeping training her. We moved her to her crib and wow, it was tough! Rowan has HUGE startle reflex and it wakes her up and pisses her off. It has been an adjustment. She used to wake up once a night to eat and would usually fall back asleep quickly. Well, its been harder now since we are trying to get her sleeping in her crib. Rowan HATES sleeping on her back and sleeps wonderfully on her tummy. However, I am petrified of SIDS. So...what to do. She sleeps swaddled on her back in her rock and play in her room. So far its working. We have had some rough nights where she blows up her diaper and because of that, she is wide awake and wants to play. She also gets angry about spitting out her pacifier and will still scream and squeak in her sleep. I sometimes let her fuss/cry it out (max 10 min, if that)  but I don't let her go long just because she is still little and can't have such big expectations for her.  However, at the end of the day we are the boss and we are going to keep working on it. . However, I must say, I am tired!


Naps? Despite the above, she actually naps well! She takes 2-3 naps, about 1.5 hr each. We play for at least over an hour and it tuckers her out so much I barely have to rock her.


Rowan's personality so far: Rowan is so sweet. She is a generally happy, easy going baby. We are blessed! However, she already has a bit of a sassy personality. If she doesn't like something, she lets you know! She seems to know what she wants! Oh dear...


A photo dump of our pretty girl:






We love you so much Rowan Potter!!!












Monday, June 23, 2014

My crazy to journey to having Rowan: The NICU






Hi y'all


So I meant  to do these posts more closer together, but as I am realizing as a new mother, time is a lot different now, lol.




I am documenting the least favorite part of this journey. This part was definitely the hardest part and it was not easy. Us mamas deal with pregnancy hormones, regardless of how your baby gets here. Add the pressure to breastfeed (more on that later) from nurses and doctors, and throw in NICU, you have a cocktail for disaster.




Let's pick up from the day I delivered....


Rowan was whisked away to NICU. After being stitched up and some other housekeeping business from doctors and nurses, I was alone. I was so jacked on adrenaline that I couldn't feel sad or eat. My mom and sister came in, overjoyed and thrilled over what happened. After recovering for an hour, I was allowed to go to NICU. I was wheeled down and literally bouncing out of my wheelchair to see my baby.




The NICU was a busy, noisy, sterile place filled with nurses, machines, incubators, wires, monitors, etc. As I washed up, I glanced around at the little babies around me. My heart sank as I saw these gorgeous, precious babies be hooked up, some worse for wear than others. I was wheeled to my princess. She was sleeping peacefully without any tubes in her, or oxygen. She had some wires attached to her, monitoring her heart rate, pulse, etc. She was in an open incubator. All of this was positive and great, because it meant she had very little problems.


However it's a really sad thing when your baby  have wires taped to them. It looks totally scary. I remember seeing Rowan for the first time. my heart was full of joy and then I heard her cry. She let out a really sorrowful cry that produced a tiny tear. That's when I lost it. Then I realize the magnitude that my daughter was going to be here for a while. Nicu has a rule of thumb which means babies can't leave till they are at least 35 weeks. We were in for quite the journey.


Rowan was only in NICU for two weeks, but it was 2 weeks too long. I don't wish NICU on my worst enemy. Again, Rowan didn't have anything insanely wrong with her. Sure, the "diagnosis" of reflux came up and also the diagnosis of her bifid uvula, but other than that, she was a grower and a feeder. There were babies in there that had horrendous conditions and made me feel so thankful and grateful for my little girl.


However, NICU plays on your emotions. As my mama friends can agree, the emotions are insane after birth. I big time had the baby blues (a post on that later) and I was so emotional being in there. I really had a rough time seeing Rowan in NICU. What broke my heart was leaving her. We were lucky to stay the hospital a few extra days but once we had to go home, it was really tough. I felt so empty and depressed. A huge piece of my heart was 45 minutes away and I just felt so bitter for my
experience. On top of that, I really wasn't a fan of her doctors, Dr. Buxton and Dr. Ajebola. They were rude and pretty dismissive. For a brand new mama who was scared, worried and full of questions, they had really poor bedside manner. And no, I have no qualms putting their names on here. Dr. Lai, who was her doc in the beginning, was amazing!

 I also was given a ton of pressure by some of the nurses about breastfeeding and I had a horrific supply, thanks to being 6 weeks early. I was under so much stress and pressure from them, that I was reduced to tears so many times (a post on that too!). It was pretty awful. Now don't get me wrong, not all nurses were like that. There were so many that I fell in love with! Many of them were beyond kind, compassionate and loving to us and especially to our girl. I will be forever in their debt and so thankful!


Overall, it was emotionally draining. I wasn't sleeping well and hubby and I were emotionally spent. I was so thankful to have my hubby. He was truly my rock! There were many days we were told we could go home with Ro, but then we would have a set back. She had a small Brady (where a baby stops breathing) thanks to her nose spit ups.  It bought us more time. Finally, after passing her car seat test (she failed the first time), we were allowed to room in with her, which means we stay in a room in the NICU wing and have basically a dress rehearsal. It surreal as we were on our own. I was so terrified to be alone with her! She was still so little! What if she stopped breathing? What do we do, etc etc. Luckily Rowan did just fine even though we didn't sleep much. Finally on Sunday, May 4th (which is Star Wars Day)  we were released to go home. We thought it was neat to be released on Star Wars day and decided it was because she was one strong Jedi knight! (Sorry the nerdiness will stop!) 
Rowan did beautifully on the car ride home. I will never forget walking up to our home with our prize. We were going to finally begin life with our precious girl!


Our stay in NICU was tough, but it did have it's silver linings:


1. Despite leaving baby, we had to get accustomed to it, whether we liked it or not. Due to that, we can go on a date night, or I can run to the store without panicking that baby is at home. I know some mamas that struggle leaving for even 10 minutes. Our NICU stay made me tough in that regard. Of course I miss her when I'm not with her, but we can leave and it's manageable, and I don't feel like I'm dying.


2. Rowan was put on a strict schedule for feedings and diaper changes. Thanks to that, Rowan is very routined and wakes up once in the middle of the night to eat. It's super awesome! Now, lately Rowan sometimes doesn't fall asleep after that late feed, but hey, we are working on it!


3. Rowan loves noise! NICU is bright, loud and noisy! The upside to that is she sleeps through everything! It is so wonderful and nice! If it's too quiet, she freaks out lol!

  
Here are some pics from the first day in NICU:


These next batches of pictures is our stay over the period of two weeks: 


A batch from the last week. Note, the car seat picture is her being tested to see if she can tolerate the car seat for an hour. She looks so small! Sadly that first time she failed, because she turned blue. While this is normal for preemies it was still scary:


This next batch is us rooming with our girl:


This is the batch of us being released! The first picture is our last and final meal of just us two! Now life would begin as the 3 of us!

My beautiful, 10 pound chubby girl now! I am just in love with this beautiful human: